I've got problems

Badonka-donk

2009-08-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

1. The Dodgers appear to be halfway to blowing their lead over the Rockies, who have an easier schedule down the stretch.

2. The Padres are the best AA team in the MLB. What a fucking joke!

3. The Rangers are for real, and will make the playoffs. Their pitching staff just completed a 23-inning scoreless inning streak.

4. If Nationals SP John Lannan pitched for the Yankees, he'd have at least 18 wins this season.

5. In the world of the World Series of Poker, poker promoters don't want lumberjack, and final table chip leader, Darvin Moon, to win. They're afraid that he's going to take all the money and disappear in the forest, like the Unabomber.

6. Mos Def's new album is a bit overproduced. And weird.

7. The Cubs have officially melted down. They're fuckin' done.

8. The Arizona Cardinals have an over/under season win total of 8.5. Take the over. They're also only -105 (last time I checked) to take that division. Throw money down on either them or Seattle. Both should be great at home, but the Cardinals are actually used to their coach (the Seacocks have a new coaching staff).

9. The Arizona Wildcats have an over/under season win total of 7.5. Phil Steele recommends that they'll surpass last year's 8 wins. Phil Steele is much better at this shit than I am, and let's face it, the Pac-10 isn't that complicated. I'll throw $50 on it.

10. Nobody knows who's gonna win the NFC South. It's a total toss up.

11. Just like every year, the AFC West is a joke.

12. The NFC East is probably going to be won by the NY Football Giants. They've got everybody coming back, plus some receivers. If they don't win that division, then Philly does.

13. I don't see how the Bears can't take that division. Last year, they were 9-7 with piss poor quarterbacks. More importantly, they have good coaching, and a quarterback who can fucking execute in bad weather.

14. I love the GB Packers offense. But will their defense be as piss poor as it was last season?

15. Houston Texans have finished 8-8 the past two seasons. This is the year that will determine if Gary Kubiak comes back. They should be better, even though they lost players on defense. However, Matt Schaub needs to stay healthy for them to win.

16. The Falcons will be better than they were last season. Scary, huh? Don't let that fuck up your spreads.

17. The Saints over/under season win total is 9. I'd like to say they win more than that, but I certainly wouldn't mean it. Frankly, it all depends on their defense. This'll be one of those teams that you can learn a lot from in weeks 1-4, and then bet on or against them the rest of the season.

18. Look for the Panthers to run the ball more than ever this season. Jake Delhomme might be the worst QB in the league in clutch situations.

Lastly, just remember, our president is an illegal alien who wants to send out death squads to kill grandma! And if you're dumb enough to believe that, then please go fuck yourself.

Interested in poker?

2009-07-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

If you are interested in poker, then I'm sure you'll appreciate what ESPN is airing on Tuesday:

The first televised stuff from the WSOP.

This is gonna be more fun than that time you sexually harassed your babysitter when you were in 4th grade!

NFL Win Totals are Here

2009-07-24T00:37:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh man. So, here's how you make a thousand dollars. You find the one mistake on this list of 32 over/unders, and you find it, and you throw down a G on it.

The two golden rules about this bet:

Research it well (about who's injured, who isn't, who's starting, past performance, home win/loss, road win/loss).

Make your bet in the week before the season starts. (This allows you to bet w/ the latest knowledge. You may know everything about all the teams in June, but some hack with the latest reports in August could easily get an edge on you, as the latest injury and contract news is the most valuable.)

Over/unders on season wins is quite possibly one of the few bets where a smart, well-researched gambler has the advantage. Frankly, I'm feeling fuckin' great about my bet for the Dodgers to take 1st place.

But goddamnit, I am sooooo wishing I could have that Cardinals over/under on the 8 season wins from 2008 over again. I was leaning toward nine wins, but just didn't think it was worth risking a large sum. That was money I could've won, but fuck it: coulda/woulda/shoulda/crymeariverbiatch.

So, here's this year's list of season wins, plus odds to win it all. Click here to see it.

Also, if you are a Cardinals/49ers/Rams/Seacocks fan, then here's a blog's pretty solid analysis of the NFC West. Cardinals or the Seacocks will win the NFC West, and yes, I will wager on the over on the Cardinals 8+ season wins this time (because their season sked is as difficult as last season's sked), but I may waiver on how much I will bet. (I know what I linked to has the Cards' over/under on season wins at 9.5, but you can find a line of 8 at other gambling sites from what I saw as of a week ago.)

What makes me nervous about the Cards is whether they re-sign Karlos Dansby (because he's their defensive captain, and believe it or not, DEFENSE got them to within 8 points of a ring), and whether they re-sign Anquan Boldin (because even though he isn't a captain, he's a team leader who's one of the top 10 WR's in the NFL).

Death Watch

2009-07-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

Remember this guy? Trevor Hoffman? Yeah, he's good, really good. That's why he doesn't play for the Padres anymore.

Two teams have recently entered my "death watch" phase: the Pittsburgh Pirates and San Diego Padres have hit all-time lows this past week by trading away some players that frankly made them much better teams. The effect has been demoralizing on the players' and fans' morale.

So demoralizing in San Diego, that the total homer radio announcers in San Diego have even turned on the players, saying stuff like, "It's hard to justify the employment of any of the baseball operations people there," and "It's pretty obvious that they just weren't even trying."

From a gambler's perspective, it's really unfortunate that the Padres aren't playing the Phillies for a few more days. I'd continue to egregiously bet irresponsible sums of money against them.

Now, there are a few good players on the Padres, and they're just good enough to get dangerous, especially against an equally horrible team in the Washington Nationals. I think they'll improve somewhat when David Eckstein comes back, and they're no longer starting a minor-leaguer you've never heard of at 2B (who wasn't good enough to start there at the beginning of the season). Because they're young and they do have talent, they may rattle off a few in a row against the Nationals and the Reds.

When they play the Brewers next week on July 31, I will be checking the pitching probables with my wallet in hand.

But for the moment, they have lost five in a row, and ONLY WON THREE GAMES DURING THE MONTH OF JULY. Pulse? Do you feel a pulse doctor???

============
On the other hand, the White Sox are putting together a nice little run, and whupped the Devil Rays the past few days. Before Buerhle's perfect game, this team was still cranking on all cylinders. Beware of the White Sox at home, they are playing superb baseball there.

Bluffed by Torre!

2009-07-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Hello! My name's Dusty Baker, and yes, I'm about to get pwned!"

"Hello, my name's Joe Torre, and I am smarter than the man pictured above me!"

This is what happens when Joe outsmarts Dusty:

Tie game. Bottom of the 6th inning at Dodger Stadium. Runners on 1st and 2nd. Starting pitcher Bronson Arroyo is clearly running out of gas. Dusty Baker tells pitching coach Dick Pole to get reliever Nick Masset warming up. Dodgers' manager Joe Torre sends veteran Mark Loretta on deck, presumably to bat for the pitcher.

Russell Martin rockets a single, hitting it so hard that rather than scoring, the hit loads the bases. It appears like Arroyo is going to stay in to face Loretta.

Torre calls Loretta back in, and good ole' dreadlocked Manny Ramirez takes his place, causing the entire crowd, on Manny Ramirez Bobblehead night, to give a standing ovation. Dusty Baker does a double-switch, and calls in Masset to face Ramirez.

Announcer Vin Scully, who appears to be enjoying this, warns the viewers against the expectations and does what other announcers (ahem, Diamondbacks announcers) often forget to to do -- he tells us the stats. Masset is 1/28 against right-handed hitters, Manny is 3/27 as a pinch hitter, and Manny has 20 career grand slams.

Ramirez lines a low fastball into the left field seats that are known as "Mannywood," causing an absolute eruption in the sellout crowd as the Dodgers go up 6-2, and threaten to beat the Reds in LA for the 12th time in a row. The crowd calls him out for two tips of the cap, and he impersonates his own bobblehead before hitting the showers.

Vin Scully's description of the pitch: "That really was like trying to throw a lamb chop by a wolf."

Now, this is not only a testament to Ramirez, but also to Joe Torre's creativity, who clearly did something that the Reds didn't expect whatsoever. Ramirez was riding the pine because he was hit in the left hand with a fastball the night before, which is just about the only reason why he wouldn't play on his own bobblehead night.

Torre after the game: "It was a perfect situation. They couldn't walk him."

November Nine is Here

2009-07-17T01:06:00.000-07:00

What does a lumberjack and Phil Ivey both have in common? Well, they're both in the November Nine.

Darvin Moon, a lumberjack from Maryland, has been a total card rack the past few days and has $58 million chips, but he's gonna have to worry about Phil Ivey this November, renowned as one of the top cash game players in the world.

1st place pays $8.5 M.
9th place pays $1.25 m.

Anyways, click here for your November Nine.

And check out this podcast to hear the Nine give their interviews.

Player who sounds the most relaxed? Eric Buchman. 2nd most in chips, at 34 million. A poker pro for 8 years.

In case you ever thought you were a pimp...

2009-07-13T19:43:00.001-07:00

then you haven't met Antonio Cromartie. That dude is on his way to being the NFL's version of Too Short and Katt Williams. He's such a pimp, he broke his hip from too much fuckin'.

Why would I say all this? Well, check this link out by clicking right here. Seven kids? Five states? He is only 24 years-old. Wow.

Also, the comments are pretty interesting. By far, the most interesting comment is posted by "Nuclear Douchebag," who posted this list of athletes who've had four or more kids.

Randy Johnson bottoms out the list, interestingly enough. See, the pornstache does work:

Dominique Wilkins - the subject of purportedly 20 paternity suits.
Calvin Murphy - 14 illegitimate kids by 9 women.
Travis Henry - 9 kids by 9 women.
Willie Anderson - 9 illegitimate kids.
Evander Holyfield - 9 illegitimate kids.
Jason Caffey - 8 kids by 7 women.
Shawn Kemp - 7 illegitimate kids by 6 women.
Derrick Thomas - 7 illegitimate kids by 5 women.
Scott Skiles - At least 6 illegitimate kids, possibly more.
Ray Lewis - 6 kids by 4 women.
Marshall Faulk - 6 kids by 3 women.
Larry Johnson - 5 kids by 4 women. 3 are illegitimate.
Charles Rogers - 5 illegitimate kids.
Elijah Dukes - 5 illegitimate kids, one his 17-year-old foster child.
Vlad Guerrero - 4 kids by 4 women.
Oscar De La Hoya - 4 kids.
Santonio Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
Greg Minor - 3 illegitimate kids.
Ricky Williams - 3 illegitimate kids.
Priest Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids.
Chad Johnson - 3 illegitimate kids.
Willis McGahee - 3 illegitimate kids in 2 years.
Shannon Sharpe - 3 illegitimate kids.
Tom Gordon - 3 illegitimate kids by age 17.
Steve Garvey - 2 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
"Dr. J" - 2 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
Gary Sheffield - 2 illegitimate kids by age 17.
Mike Bibby - 2 illegitimate kids.
Noel Devine (sophomore at West Virginia) - 2 illegitimate kids.
Dwight Howard
Walter Herrmann
Peja Stojakovic
Eddie Jordan
Daniel Alfredsson
Richard Zednik
Mike Miller
Marvin Harrison
Tracy McGrady
Keith Van Horn
Larry Bird
Isiah Thomas
Jim Palmer
Darryl Strawberry
Pete Rose
Tug McGraw
Karl Malone - a 13-year-old girl.
Matt Leinart
Larry Fitzgerald
Michael Turner
Antawn Jamison
Chipper Jones
DeShawn Stevenson
Cliff Floyd
Mark Messier
Brian Urlacher
Rae Carruth
Juan Gonzalez
Andre Rison
David Justice
Andruw Jones
Alonzo Spellman
Dave Meggett
Gary Payton
Stephon Marbury
Jason Kidd
Allen Iverson
Latrell Sprewell
Juwan Howard
Kenny Anderson
Scottie Pippen
Hakeem Olajuwon
Patrick Ewing
Randy Johnson

And here's another great list, just in case you didn't believe it (yep, that's Dawight Howard):

http://www.faniq.com/blog/Super-Religious-Dwight-Howard-Has-an-Illegitimate-Kid-Whoops-Blog-5842

Beisbol/futbol

2009-07-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

First of all, what's up with the Pac-10 getting no love for the 2009 football season? It seems like the East Coasters have even deemed that the mighty USC is "down."

Secondly, wondering why the Arizona Cardinals fired their defensive coordinator a year after reaching the Super Bowl? This column that I've linked to here does a great job of explaining that. It basically says that:

Ex-coordinator Clancy Pendergast was changing the defense every week, which explains how they could hold down the Carolina Panthers, but give up 30+ to the Redskins (including big passing TDs).

Also, the Cards gave up the 5th most points in the NFL, despite holding the Steelers offense in check for almost all of the Super Bowl. (Steelers don't win without that James Harrison TD at the half.)

Speaking of the Panthers, a good question will be how bad Jake Delhomme is this season. Last season, Carolina held him to an average of 20 passes a game in the final four games. If you were wondering why, the Cardinals showed you why in that blowout of a playoff game (Delhomme threw 5 or 6 ints). Also note that they signed quality backup, Josh McCown.

Okay, enough football. Moving over to the MLB, I think it's obvious who isn't making the playoffs (we already have a bunch of locks):

Nationals

Pirates

Padres

Diamondbacks

Oakland A's

Orioles

Indians

Royals

Blue Jays

Rockies

Why do I post this? Yes, I know that any idiot can look at the standings, but these teams still have great pitchers, capable of closing a +1.5 spread. All of these teams have great #1 starters, yet still might find themselves an underdog to a craphat on some favored team.

Another baseball note - the Dodgers need to strengthen their bullpen if they hope to get past Philly in the playoffs (the Mets aren't going to make the playoffs - AGAIN). Dodgers' bullpen is far worse than it was 365 days ago, as there is no Joe Beimel there.

Should be an interesting few weeks ahead, teams like the Angels and the Dodgers and the Yankees and maybe even the Rangers should be active on the market.

Martin's disappearance?

2009-06-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

So, Yahoo! Sports' columnist writes this about Russell Martin. People are wondering, why is he not hitting? What's up? A smart person might ask, what's changed from prior years?

Well, the answer is simpler than many would think - he stopped chewing tobacco this past summer. And from the several articles I saw about his decision to stop, it sounded like he was chewing a lot. I mean, like the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day a lot. The other thing it sounds like, is that the trainers have him wearing some weird shit on his head for when he goes to sleep (see the article I linked to).

Now as any smoker or ex-smoker can tell you, once you've smoked a pack, or even half a pack for a day for a little while, just stopping will change your disposition. Usually, for the worse. Quitting is hard enough on its own, especially when you return to the place you smoked (or chewed) the most.

For most of us smokers, that's analogous to your local bar. For Martin - it's where he earned his living. And he has to sleep with some weird apparatus attached to his head. That has to fuck you up a little bit. No wonder he's a little off for the moment.

In short, quitting fucks up your concentration for at least six months. Took me a year before I felt "normal" again, after I quit. The good news, is that after a while, you get used to it and adjust, which is what Martin will most likely and hopefully do. Well, that, and take that stupid shit off his head. (I don't believe that's helping.)

===

In other news, while playing (and doing pretty well) in a Hold 'em tournament today, I stumbled upon the perfect response to:

"Oh, I remember you. You're the guy who likes to bluff, or represent good cards w/ big bets."
Response: "Oh, are you talking about that hand where I had two pair, and beat your pair? That isn't bluffing."

The best part about this is that it doesn't matter if you've played 15 hands against him, and lost 14. If he brings up some shit like that around some different players who weren't there at the time, specifically bring up the time he lost chips to you.

Some other good ones:

"Wow. I'm on a quad draw!"
Yell "Speech!"
"You might as well just fold already, you're going to anyway." (I've noticed that at live poker, 9/10 times someone takes more than 5 seconds to call a big raise, they are going to fold and are just searching for info. The wise ones and the flukes make up the remaining 1/10.)

Scotchyscotchyscotch - Iloveyouscotch

2009-06-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

You can tell you are a gambler when it's Friday night, and as you wait to go out to the bars, all of these thoughts pass through your head in the same 30-second period:

How did that parlay hit? Did they make a mistake and accidentally credit my account? Should I bet it all now in case they try to take it back?
What poker tournament should I play in tomorrow?
What do I do with the hand I'm playing now?

You can tell you're a binge drinker when you just polished off a double black label at some point after 2 a.m., start talking about yourself in third-person by saying, "Boy definitely gets his vitamins," while doing lunges on the sidewalk outside the bar.

That being said, it's a new day. Let's do some winning!

Nationals pull it offf

2009-06-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

So, John Lannan vindicated my post from yesterday. He pitched at least five innings of no-hit ball, and the Nationals won 3-2.

Congratulations to the Nationals. Good for them. You know why that's great? Because there is no way in hell they win today. The only game I'd bet on today and feel good about is Joba Chamberlain v. Craig Stammen, and Chamberlain (and the Yankees) are -320 to win.

Wednesday's Weirdest Matchup

2009-06-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

So, if the Washington Nationals ever had a chance to defeat the New York Yankees in Yankee Stadium this season, that chance is on Wednesday, June 17. I normally wouldn't bet on them whatsoever, but on Wednesday, Chien-Ming Wang starts against the Nationals' John Lannan.
Lannan is a pitcher who would have 15-win seasons if he wasn't on such a craphat team. He's a B+ pitcher in a league full of C's. And unfortunately for Lannan, I doubt they will ever trade him.

But anyways, taking the Nationals and the moneyline is +175. Nationals +1.5 runs gets odds of -110. So, double-check who's starting on Wednesday morning, and maybe take the Nats in this one for a SMALL sum. After all, you're still betting on a team that might be lucky to get to 50 wins, lol.

Orrrrrrrrr - maybe the smarter bet is to take the over. (The over/under is 11.)

Covers.com of course doesn't like weird. They recommend taking Hotlanta and Minnesota:

http://www.covers.com/articles/articles.aspx?theArt=171415

BASEBALL BETTING, MARSHALL

2009-06-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

CARDS SHOULD TRADE FOR MARSHALL

First of all, ESPN reported that Brandon Marshall wants to be traded by the Broncos today. How about if the Cardinals offered them Anquan Boldin and a draft pick for Marshall? Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, and Brandon Marshall = 40 passing TDs.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylt=AmJMgMWT1Oq2uEpimH2CQT972bYF?slug=teamreports-2009-nfl-ari&prov=sportsxchange&type=team_report

USEFUL BASEBALL BETTING LINKS

Odds, some stats from the guys who know (that way you can tell if you're getting a crappy line)

http://www.covers.com/sports/mlb/mlb_lines.aspx

ESPN's pitching probables has some great stats

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/probables?date=20090616

But MLB's pitching probables has better descriptions of recent events

http://mlb.mlb.com/news/probable_pitchers.jsp?c_id=mlb

Other good trending data in the standings, of course

http://mlb.mlb.com/news/probable_pitchers.jsp?c_id=mlb

Wanna see how good/bad your team is at hitting, stealing, and scoring? Go here:

http://mlb.mlb.com/stats/sortable_team_stats.jsp?statType=1&timeFrame=1&Submit=Submit&groupByTeam=true&baseballScope=mlb&timeSubFrame=2009&sortByStat=2B

Random pitching stats available here. Did you know that five outta the top six teams in the "hit batter" category are in first place as of June 15?

http://mlb.mlb.com/stats/sortable_team_stats.jsp?statType=2&timeFrame=1&Submit=Submit&c_id=mlb&groupByTeam=true&sitSplit=&baseballScope=mlb&timeSubFrame=2009&sortByStat=HBP

Winners

2009-06-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

Congrats! Ring #4 for Kobe, Ring #10 for Phil Jackson, Ring #15 for the franchise!

Check out this hand

2009-06-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

Phil Laak v. Ted Forrest @ the WSOP:

http://www.cardplayer.com/poker-tools/hand-matchups/893

Oh, and btw, the Pittsburgh Penguins were around +175 to win Game 7 (which they did). They owned Detroit for the first half of the game, but man, it seemed like Detroit was taking two shots per minute for the end of the 2nd and the entire 3rd period.

The sport of angry coal miners

2009-06-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

Rematch. Game 7. Detroit favored -200/-210, cuz they're at home. Pittsburgh just almost scored the first goal, but who cares - almost means nothing.

The over/under on the game is 5.5 goals, which means there should be some serious scoring after the first period is over.

And as I was checking those lines, I just went to Bodoglife.com, only to notice that I got redirected back to Bodog.com (meaning that they got their OG domain name back, which they had lost after losing a massive judgment in the U.S. to some dickwad who claimed he "invented" all online poker).

That either means Bodog settled with him, or got that overturned at a higher court. I'm betting settlement, but that's just pure speculation.

Oh, and for all you online gamblers, here's a few stories you should know about:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/09/justice-department-freeze_n_213461.html

http://www.pokernewsdaily.com/ppa-director-john-pappas-appears-on-fox-news-to-defend-online-poker-2898/

http://www.usaonlinecasinos.us/articles/152/1/316/Christian-Fundamentalists-Send-Online-Gambling-Lies-to-Congress-.html

Kryptonite!

2009-06-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

DFish made some huge shots tonight, after getting burned on defense for much of the fourth quarter by Jameer Nelson. I've already seen a ton of comments online from crazed fans asking why Nelson was even in the game that late. Well, hindsight being 20/20, up until 1:30 was left, he was playing fucking tight basketball.

Remember? He set up their last three baskets! Sure, the Lakers called a TO, and Van Gundy should've subbed him out then, but up until 1:30 was left, Nelson was the Magic's most clutch player on the floor. (BTW, don't mention "sub" around Van Gundy. He might bite your hand off.

That being said, I didn't have the faith that Nelson could set up those last few baskets, but all Nelson/Alston talk aside, the Magic just failed the last two minutes of OT.

How about that trade for Trevor Ariza btw? I know Mickael Pietrus is good and whatnot, but could you imagine if Ariza was on the Magic, guarding Kobe? I think the Lakers may have done some serious good just by having him not playing for some other contender.

That being said, the most surprising thing I saw tonight was Kobe tackle Dwight Howard, by his hand/arm. Kobe brought down a 275-lb. guy by grabbing his sweatyass arm and dragging him to the floor.

In Game 5, the Magic should also tell Rashard Lewis to show up. Six points? 2-10? The Lakers should send him a portion of their playoffs bonus, cause he sure helped out L.A. tonight.

----------------------- Big shots ----------------------

2009-06-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I broke my "No more NBA bets for the rest of the season" promise after discovering a few extra bucks in my account, and put $5 on Kobe to score more than 30.5 points in Game 1. He hit the 31-point mark with 3:53 left in the 3rd quarter, and had a total of 16 points in that third quarter (or 28 points in the 2nd and 3rd quarters).

(I had previously made that promise when I lost $130 on the Lakers/Rockets Game 4. It reinforced the concept that betting large sums on the NBA Playoffs can be riskier than a blind man's odds at the craps table.)

I kind of suspected that Bryant would have a big game after hearing Rick Fox say that the safe Game 1 strategy for most NBA playoff teams is to do one-on-one coverage against the opposition's stars. Sure enough, that's what the Magic did against Kobe, and it totally didn't work.

However, Fox also predicted that the Lakers would take that approach with Dwight Howard, but I didn't really believe that. Sure enough, the Lakers double and triple-teamed him at times (via help defense, so it wasn't a "true" double team).

Bookmaker.com waited until today to post their "exact series price" odds. With less than a half-hour before game time, I noticed their odds had moved as high as 7-to-1 on Lakers in 5, or Magic in 7.

All in all, the Lakers played well! When they did foul Dwight Howard, they made those fouls count by not allowing him chances at three-point plays (aka they held his arms down when they fouled him).

Betting on other shit

A great underdog tennis player to bet on, Fernando Gonzalez, a clay court specialist, is playing in the semifinals in the French Open again. He doesn't have a great track record in the semis, or the finals of big tourneys in the past few years, but this year on hard surfaces, he has played pretty well. From what I read online back in January, he trained his ass off in late 2008 after an injury or some kind of setback, and is feeling better than he has since he won the French Open years ago.

I'll be hoping he enters the U.S. Open this year, for some early round betting. I think he was a 12-seed in the French Open, now he's two matches away from winning the damn thing. (He also played well in the Australian Open, and won me some $$$.)

http://sports-odds.com/tennis/060409-2009-french-open-robin-soderling-vs-fernando-gonzalez-betting-odds.html

Great odds

2009-06-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

Oddsmakers have the Lakers winning in 6. The next most likely result, they say, is Lakers in 7. While it's obvious to bet on the favorite, a smart bet (purely from an odds standpoint) with a small sum of $$$ is therefore Magic in 7, or Lakers in 5. Frankly, I'm considering betting on both for $10 to $20 apiece. Both pay about four-to-one.

Need help picking an online sportsbook? Go to Covers.com.

Harrah's goes online, and Lakers v. Magic odds

2009-06-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

Uh oh, Republicans better watch out. With the Dems in office (and Barney Frank trying to legalize online gambling), Harrah's just launched a new non-U.S. interactive gaming unit. Hmmm... do you think the massive casino conglomerate that owns the WSOP brand is targeting the U.S. market that the Dems just might create?

If you're an online gambler, you want a Democratic majority for the next few years (so the Republicans can't keep it illegal). Here's a link about Frank's bill, and how "it's gaining co-sponsors quickly." If you don't believe me that Republicans made it illegal in the first place, read for yourself about why Bill Frist is an assbag. Assbag.

BTW, the World Series of Poker has started already. Track it here (they also have live broadcasts at this website):

http://www.worldseriesofpoker.com/

Some bookie stats per the NBA Finals:

According to Covers.com, Lakers started out as -200 (instead of the -260 to -290 now) to win the NBA Finals in any amount of games. The reason for the increase? Bookies wanted less Lakers money on the books. Why? Because they're the favorite.

Per the "Exact Series Price" bet, the Lakers to win in six is the most prevalent prediction, and pays +200 on Bodoglife.com, or +250 elsewhere. I've seen "Lakers in 7" at +270.

What's bothersome, is that some sites aren't even offering the "Exact Series Price" bet for the NBA Finals.

Speaking of Covers.com, here's a great article entitled "Five stats you should know before betting on the finals."

One general rule for the Finals that I do like, is if you can get either team +10, take that bet.

Damn, I can't wait for baseball season to really get started. Apparently, neither can the NBA. Did you see how they spaced the fucking Finals? Three words: Thursday/Sunday/Tuesday.

Gee, I'd sure like to watch two games in one weekend. Wouldn't you? Oh well, I should stop complaining before they pull a NCAA and schedule every game for a Monday afternoon at 4:30 p.m.

Speaking of the NCAA, Congress has been looking into their tax exempt status, which saves them gazillions of dollars. I first noticed that in ESPN articles, but do some Google searches for the words "ncaa" and "tax," and you'll see what I'm talking about. OK, fuck it, here are some links if you're too lazy to do that:

http://illinoisnative.blogspot.com/2009/05/ncaa-tax-exemption-and-educational.html

http://www.indystar.com/article/20090520/SPORTS/905200338/1004/SPORTS/Senator++NCAA+exemption+needs+to+be+reviewed

Anyone else heard that talk of Carlos Boozer heading to Detroit or NJ? ESPN has had a few rumors about it.

Props to Zach Greinke btw.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AoL5ITf86wtTKoPhlO0rFbIRvLYF?slug=ge-fullcount060209&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

A few years ago, I knew him as the head case to bet against. Now he's one of the top pitchers in baseball, who you'd be crazy to bet against. Phil Dumatrait (the pitcher who I've bet a lot against in recent years) should hire Greinke's psychiatrist. Seriously - it couldn't hurt, could it???

Props

2009-05-30T11:46:00.001-07:00

Some people are lucky enough to watch a perfect game in person, after all, there have only been 17 in history. It's quite the memorable experience, especially during the 9th inning, when all of the pressure is on, the crowd is paying attention to every individual second, etc. Assuming that an average of 45,000 in paid attendance watched each one, that means that in all 100-plus years of baseball history, only 765,000 fans have personally seen a perfect game at the stadium.

Well, this guy has called three of them.

Props to Vin Scully on 60 years of being one of the best in the business.

He's shared the booth with Joe Gariagiola, John Madden, Jack Buck, and Ronald Reagan, just to name a few. He's also called a college football game from the roof of Fenway Park without a coat or gloves (let me put it this way - Boston is very, very cold). Dana Scully, the X-Files character, is named after him, and yes, he has also won an Emmy.

It'd be great if more announcers would take this page out of Scully's playbook:

CBS Sports Director Red Barber, who hired and trained Scully, told him that if he wanted to be a successful sports announcer he should never be a "homer" (openly showing a rooting interest for the team that employs you, as many more modern sportscasters do), never listen to other announcers, and keep his opinions to himself.

Maybe the Yankees will actually hire someone who isn't a total homer one day.

Lakers should celebrate with strippers!

2009-05-29T21:05:00.001-07:00

Lakers v. Magic will be a great series. LeBron, have fun losing! Hopefully in a few days, we'll get to have Jeff Van Gundy call his brother's own game.

Keep in mind, Orlando beat the Lakers both times they played this season. Also keep in mind that the stats will be worthless because Vlad Radmanovic played big minutes for the Lakers, and Jameer Nelson played big minutes for the Magic. The only stat worth something is that Pau scored 11 and 13 points, respectively.

George Karl on Kobe: "Jesus would've had trouble guarding him."

2009-05-28T01:05:00.001-07:00

"How come he can say it, but I can't?"

Shit outta luck in clown country...

2009-05-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

As I sit here donning my clown costume and my methadone drip, I can't help but reflect on the greatest day of sports that everyone had to work through.

Ahh yes, let's start in reverse order:

The Cavaliers are -400 for Game 5 against the Magic. Yep - Dee-Wight Howard and Weed-O Turk-O-Glue are underdogs by 7.5 points. Why? Chalk that one up to a Cleveland home game. Shit, if I could still bet on the NBA playoffs, I would be very tempted to buy as many points as possible and put a huge sum on Orlando. Fortunately/Unfortunately for me, I lost $130 on the Lakers in Game 4 against the Rockets (see past posts, telling you to bet the farm against Houston on the eve we learned of Yao's injury).

OK, moving on - the Lakeshow dominated the Denver Thuggets. Birdman started out flying high as a kite on eagle's wings, but LO (Odom) stepped in and clipped his wings. Shannon Brown also threw down on the Birdman, as the story of that game was the Lakers' inside post presence. Fuck, as stated in prior posts here - the key to Lakers' victory in every series lies inside the post. Some games they do it, other games they don't. Props to ESPN's Tim Legler - he said that if Odom puts up a bunch of points and rebounds, then the Lakers win. Odom did (19 points, 14 rebounds, 4 blocked shots), and Legler is right. Game 6 might be a totally different story, given the bipolar nature of these teams. Still, I would have to think taking the Lakers + points is the smart bet there.

The Dodgers swept the Rockies, who just dominated the Tigers. Riddle me this, you East Coast-leanin' bastards --- if the NL West is so weak, then how did the worst team in the NL West fucking take two of three games from one of the best teams - if not THE BEST team - in the AL Central, in Detroit of all places??? That alone should nominate the AL Central for worst division. Ozzie Guillen, eat your fuckin' heart out. (I can already anticipate what Ozzie's gonna say, "Eessnadabeegdeal....to heeen!" Well Ozzie, I'm already wishing I had upped my preseason three-digit bet on the Dodgers to win the division (at -120) to a four or a five-digit bet.

"Rome is burning. It has been set ablaze, by the Catalan Conquerers!" (quote from the ESPN broadcast) Yes, for all you soccer heads, Barcelona kicked the shit outta AIG, err...., I mean Manchester United. For us Americans, I think it's now officially less than one year until the 2010 World Cup --- the greatest gambling event on Earth. Inside information rules, and soccer heads can kick the shit outta the American sportsbooks (many of whom I suspect just copy the lines they see from their overseas colleagues). And btw, Jim Rome's crotch is also burning from all those late nights with his drones, or clones, or whatever the fuck he calls his douchebag army.

OK, well, I'm sobering up too quickly. Time to get a new methadone IV without fucking up the clown costume. Tomorrow - LeBron v. the World!

2009-05-26T20:01:00.001-07:00

"Your horrible grasp of our most basic grammar laws is adorable."

One more prediction...

2009-05-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

$10 says Boldin stays in AZ for the 2009-10 season, especially after reading this:
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ieiQtEoTUGCLIAz9_78fRIzUn4ygD98E6SSG0

That story means one of two possibilities have occurred:
Rosenhaus promised Boldin a new deal, and was unable to obtain it.
Boldin made Rosenhaus try to get him a new deal, and that obviously didn't happen.

Either way, can you imagine some new agent stepping in and trying to strong-arm a franchise into a trade? (Especially, a franchise famous for doing whatever hare-brained thing the cheapass owners want.)

Next, consider this - Boldin obviously has a contract year coming up two years from now. What is most likely to get him the next big deal?

Sacking up, playing, and catching passes from Kurt Warner with Larry Fitzgerald getting the attention of the opposing team's #1 corner.
Not playing, sitting out, forfeiting cash and losing like a douchebag for signing a deal that he refuses to honor.
Some other team making the Cardinals that perfect offer that would make them do something they don't want to do. This would also involve going to play for someone else, and learning a new playbook.

The best answer is answer #1. Why? Well, Boldin comes out looking like the good guy. With answer #2, he looks like a douchebag to the other 31 teams. Fuck what you and I think - if you're an owner or a GM, you don't wanna see yourself giving eight figures to someone who doesn't honor contracts.

Answer #3 is somewhat feasible, but that shit is still more likely to get him less $$$. And fuck, if he's in the business of trying to get mo money, then wtf kinda sense does that make? Also, consider that answer #3 probably involves that other team amending his contract to pay him more. In this economy, who can afford to do that, and who has a feasible situation for that? The answer is - a small number of teams.

Here's why some people are talking about Romania, btw:

http://www.heavy.com/video/69783

Predictions and Definitions

2009-05-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Predictions:

Lakers will win Game 5. Game 6 will be close one, but I think the Lakers win that one too.
Dodgers will continue to win the West.
Michael Steele will reveal that he's actually white in the near future.
The author of this blog will go on a run of hot women that will only be matched by Derek Jeter's famous run. Where's Salma Hayek when you need her?
Rush Limbaugh will continue to wreak havoc on his support staff with more "silent but deadlies."
10 years from now, everyone that ever appeared on American Idol will reveal that they're actually gay.
Attorney General Eric Holder will attend NORML's national "Get your blunt on" event, and get with it like Doobie Howser.
Rasheed Wallace will hear about the AG doing this, and say "&%$% #$#%!" But, he'll mean it as a compliment as he fires up a blunt.
MLB Channel will call out the Diamondbacks announcers again for bragging about how great the team's bullpen. (Darren Douchebag, an announcer for the DBags, got called out yesterday as the MLB Network quoted him bragging about how the bullpen was one of the best in the MLB, only to give up 7 runs about 30 minutes after he said that.)
Fat will be the new "sexy" in American culture, about 60 years from now. Wait ... let's make that grossly overweight.
Some douchebag in some Midwestern Legislature will wear jean shorts to at least one legislative session.
The Yankees will easily win the AL East.

Definitions (courtesy of Urban Dictionary):

Manufactured Outrage
A falsified righteous outrage at things that are basically unimportant and meaningless, frequently employed by politicians, political activists, or the media. Politicians and talking heads use it to garner support for their causes, to claim the moral high ground and to tar their opponents; the media often just uses it in a cynical bid to increase ratings.
Manufactured outrages of note include Nipplegate, the Monica Lewinski scandal, the 2009 tea partys, backmasked satanic lyrics, lapel pin controversies...Just about any time you hear any politician, activist, or radio show host getting outraged about anything, really. The louder and angrier they get, the harder they're working at manufacturing it.

farting gift
The act of someone farting immediately before leaving a room; leaving that special something to be remembered by.
Person 1: That party was the worst. Person 2: Don't worry, I made sure to thank them with a farting gift.

One last prediction:

Someone will shit/shard themselves in an embarrassing failure of an attempt to leave a "farting gift" after reading this definition.

Big Shot 'Bron

2009-05-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Nice shot 'Bron. Nice shot. Ya'll cutting it too close though, ya better watch the fuck out for Orlando though. Still, nice fuckin' shot. Damn, that's some good shit.

Longass balls!

2009-05-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, the refs did an excellent job of taking over a game in L.A. tonight, and they deserve the win, despite Phil Jackson's admission of a "poor closeout" in the 4th quarter.

Three big missed calls with under a minute left, in a 2-point game. I blame Dick Bavetta and his longass balls (courtesy of Larry David):

Missed call #1 - 40 seconds left - Kobe loses the ball on a pick 'n roll at the top of the key, when it bounces off of Nene's foot. Um, yeah, bounced off his foot. Ahem - kickball. Just like when it was a kick ball 15 minutes earlier, when it bounced off of Pau Gasol's foot, and they called it a kick ball. (If you watched the game, remember Mike Breen and Jeff Van Gundy arguing about whether that was the right call or not?)
Missed call #2 - So, the kick ball turns into a jump ball, even though Pau tried to call time out before Chauncey and Nene got near him. On the jump, J.R. Smith is clearly halfway across the jump area (illegally) before the ball is tipped, Van Gundy and Mark Jackson point out it's a huge jump ball. Quote from Sportscenter - "They did not call the violation as they should."
Missed call #3 - Well, fuck J.R. Smith's missed call, cuz Trevor Ariza got the ball anyway, right? Wrong. Ariza takes one step, tries to dribble, and immediately falls down. No, he didn't feel tired and lie down just for the fuck of it - he falls because KMart's foot trips him.

So, even though those three are somewhat borderline, they all happen with under 40 seconds left. It simply doesn't help, and it's the Lakers' fault for letting it get that close. The Lakers also could've done a better job of trying to get a better shot in the final seconds.

Still, the officials were all over the fuckin' place, and because of that, so were the players, especially in the 3rd quarter.

After the Nuggets get a defensive rebound and take the ball downcourt, Kenyon Martin and Pau Gasol are going the opposite direction they should be (away from the basket where the action is), and Pau goes into the 2nd row. No mention of that by the announcers.

Kobe picks up on the ref's new non-calls, and about a minute later, as Dahntay Jones is trying for a rebound, Kobe utilizes the good ole' Tim Duncan rebounding method - shove your opponent in the lower back, sending him outta bounds. Well, Kobe knocks his ass to the floor, and turns the play into a fast break. Denver calls a TO, and Kobe is laughing his ass off.

Broxton's at his best

2009-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

Click on this link to see what's wrong with Michael Jordan's hand on this sick dunk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRiXJdMmn3I

After tonight's Dodgers/Mets game, lefties are batting 2/33 against Jonathan Broxton this season. Imagine sending 16 left-handed batters in a row against a pitcher, and only one of them getting a hit.
Check out Broxton's statline against some of your favorite hitters:
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/7613/batvspit;_ylt=Akva3pQ2iwwmiAfZ0iC3oo2FCLcF?year=career&type=Pitching

(Matt Holliday is 1/11 against him, Mike Cameron is 2/13, and Garrett Atkins is 3/17 against him. Conversely, Aramis Ramirez is 4/4, and his Cub teammates are actually pretty good against Broxton.)

On the same level of excellence, the Lakers shot 44% from three tonight. If they shoot 40% from three in the series, they win in 6 games or less. 35% is usually the acceptable standard. Denver shot 42% tonight, but they have a lot more jump shooters, and their % should be higher than the Lakers, especially if they intend to win. (Lakers can thank D-Fish for their 44%, as he nailed 3/6.)

Another interesting stat -- despite all the talk about Denver's great shot-blocking, the Lakers out-blocked them tonight, 9 to 8. Gasol/Bynum/Odom had 2 apiece, Kobe/Farmar/Powell all had 1 apiece.

And despite Chauncey's three missed FTs in the first quarter, he was 6-9 on the night from the charity stripe. Not too shabby for a guy who probably hasn't missed three in a row in 10 years in a professional contest.

From what I saw in tonight's game, I believe Game 3 will have more than 208 points. I'm thinking a safe over/under line in Game 3 would be 218. However, I wouldn't be surprised if the actual total # of points scored in that game topped out at around 230.

Why make a prediction on Game 3 and not Game 2? Well, Denver shoots so poorly at times on the road, it's simply unpredictable. They might shoot 60% or higher in one quarter, only to not score for six minutes in the next.

Regardless, tonight's Lakers Nuggets game was a sign of a great series. Should be tons of points in this one. Also, expect things to get rougher and uglier in Game 2, as Denver's big men will try to abuse Pau Gasol.

Back to the Dodgers, or actually a Met. As Ryan Church was stepping up for an at bat, Vin Scully pointed out that last night's missing 3rd base was not only embarrasing and without good reason (according to head coach Jerry Manuel), but it was also probably done in front of a lot of people who came to see him play. You see, Church grew up in Lompoc, which is almost a three-hour mid-weekday-afternoon drive away from Dodger Stadium, but doable I guess. All of a sudden, a mistake like that in the 11th inning becomes magnified.

"One look and Mark Loretta knew Ryan Church hadn't touched third:"

http://www.latimes.com/sports/la-sp-dodgers-fyi20-2009may20,0,2534042.story

And here's one last funny link for the road:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXeVxf4c0Rk

Denver v. L.A. - Round 1

2009-05-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

This series against the Denver Nuggets should be an explosive one. Expect tons of offense, tons of shit talking, nasty fans, plenty of waving hands in the air, lots of blaming the refs, and all kinds of bullshit! This is what makes basketball great.

Also, it's hard to remember a NBA semifinals with this much young talent - Dwight Howard, LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, etc. I'd mention Kobe Bryant in that bunch, but the fact is - he's the elder statesman of that group, which is fuckin' crazy to think that he's the "old guy" in that group.

For the past two seasons, I have loved betting on the Nuggets in some particular matchups, because when they find a true weakness, they will just attack that one weakness relentlessly and try to blow the other team out and fuckin' showboat. When they play shitty teams, they cover spreads.

That being said, the Lakers better make some real quick adjustments, or else they may find themselves at the losing end of a 15-0 run. On the other hand, the Nuggets' offense is extraordinarily streaky, and sometimes can't buy a bucket.

Here's some mismatches that both teams will get to exploit:
Chauncey Billups v. Derek Fisher -- Remember that Detroit v. L.A. Finals a few years back? Yeah, DFish didn't do too well in that one, in part, because Chauncey owned his ass. On top of that, Chauncey's been playing his best ball since '04 during the second half of this season.

(That was the series that morons - who don't know shit - like to blame Kobe and Shaq for, despite the fact that they both averaged 22+ ppg a game apiece. The Lakers' role players lost that series, shooting a miserable three-point percentage 0f 24.7%, compared to the Pistons 32%. In case you were wondering, yes, Chauncey had 21 ppg, whereas Fisher -- the Lakers' third highest scorer in the series -- had 6.4 ppg. Hmmm, maybe that one was won at the point, eh???) Here's the link to the Lakers' statsheet for that one: http://www.nba.com/lakers/stats/2003/nba_finals_stats.html

Kobe v. the entire Denver Nuggets -- Remember last year, when Kobe just lit up Denver like a fuckin' Christmas tree? They still don't have anyone who can guard the Black Mamba.

Birdman/KMart/Nene v. Bynum/Pau/LOdom -- The Nuggets' trio of big men are better at D, but the Lakers' trio of big men are far better at scoring and are a little bit faster. There should be some hard fouls in the key this series, and whichever team's big men get into foul trouble first could create a serious mismatch that could change that game.

Ariza v. Melo -- Melo is hands down a far better player than Ariza, but then again, Ariza is the best player to guard Melo in the playoffs this season. Melo will still get at least 20 ppg, but this matchup will provide some entertainment.

George Karl v. Phil Jackson -- I heard on the radio today that they've coached 75+ games against each other, including that famously deflating 1996 NBA Finals, when Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton found themselves down 3-0, won the next two games, and then got beat up in Game 6 by MJ's Bulls. 2009 is a great year to be Coby Karl!

Dominating defense

2009-05-17T14:06:00.001-07:00

3rd quarter, 5:00 left

Lakers are pressuring the Rockets just enough on D to force turnovers, with Kobe and Ariza both making huge plays. 5 minutes lefti n the third, and Kobe has 3 steals and 2 blocks, 6 rebounds, and 4 assists.

Still can't believe that Houston only has 39 points this far into the third quarter. Gotta love it, especially when Bynum's throwing shit down! More imporatantly, Gasol has 4 offensive boards and 9 defensively, too.

How many will Kobe put up in the 1st quarter?

2009-05-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

Good question... according to Bookmaker.com, the over/under on the entire game is 30.5 for Kobe Bryant.

Reason for that headline, is some have speculated that Kobe's gonna come flying out the gate to establish the Lakers' gameplan. On the other side, I can't help but wonder what Aaron Brooks will do. And will DFish continue to brick wide-open threes in the first quarter, like he did in Game 6? Wonder what the odds on that one would be?

One interesting set of odds, player v. player bets. For example, who will score more between Kobe and Ron Artest? Odds would obviously favor Kobe, until you realize that the actual bet has Kobe -10.5 against Ron Artest. So, would you bet on Ron Artest +10.5 in that situation? Tough call.

Here's two other prop bets on that note:

Scola v. Gasol
Luis Scola +3.5
Pau Gasol -3.5

Battier v. Ariza
Battier +1
Ariza -1

Also, some interesting last-minute future bets remain on the board right now. For example, let's look at the "Who will win the NBA title?" bet, just a half hour before the Lakers/Rockets Game 7 begins.

Last year's champs, the Celtics are +2000. Orlando Magic are +2000. Rockets are +3000. (And, in case you were wondering, Cleveland is -145 to win it all, and the Lakers are even.)

----

BTW, Nicole Rousso v. Huck Seed in the Heads Up Championship? Rousso knocked out all the greats on the way there, and Seed had a wild round v. Sammy Farha, where he was a late underdog after pushing preflop with 22 (Farha had AA). Rousso looked absolutely dominant in some of the earlier rounds, especially against Phil Ivey, who looked about as irritated as you'll ever see him on camera.

Thank you, SNL

2009-05-17T00:29:00.001-07:00

Thank you to Saturday Night Live for shitting on ASU for not giving Barack Obama an honorary diploma for about two full minutes. Ahh yes, nothing like a national audience laughing at your 95% acceptance rate, or the question, "What? Were you scared that Barack Obama might tarnish the image of Sparky the Sun Devil?"

(Yes, Sparky still does look like an overweight 70's pornstar with a turdburger mustache!)

Then, to follow it up, Harry Caray, talking about waterboarding the Asian Pete Rose. That bastard! "Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs? It's not rocket science, just say yes and we'll move on!"

Today's theme is:

2009-05-16T00:17:00.001-07:00

"My nuts are on fire."

Yes, that's right children ... today's theme is the answer to, "What happens when I do a Google search for the phrase, 'My nuts are on fire!'" Well, these five photos are the answer.

Like these two dipshits below, do you think they honestly care that my nuts are on fire? No! In fact, they don't even seem to mind that their nuts are probably on fire at the moment ever since they hooked up with that goat in 'Nam (OK, they were actually lost in West Virginia, but refer to it as 'Nam to sound more badass).

And below, these two fuckin' squirrels? What a bunch of motherfuckas! Seriously! They're stealing Happy McFucknuts' fuckin' nuts! Man! Dude!

And who could forget Ernest "Bad Mothafucka" Bognine at a time like this? God only knows how many times his nuts have been on fire.

And lastly, this one says what I've been thinking all fuckin' day:

Here's some nuttyass video links for you nut-lovers (although the top two are by far better than the rest):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Sq-HYGfnIo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHBDtxBr09A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEC4whAfTvk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f73XKKSTZ6g&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJjTA0rXaJM

Confusing Lakers

2009-05-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

So, why does it take the Lakers 6 minutes to figure out that they need to pound the ball inside? After the first six minutes of the game, when they only scored one point, they only had two shots inside the post.

I can think of one reason why - on one occasion, I counted to six as Scola just camped out inside the key, not even moving. Nevertheless, even if the refs consistently opt not to call that the entire game, that's still no excuse for the Lakers not to try to dominate the middle.

They have a total advantage inside, and need to rack up fouls on the Rockets. Fuck, they did it in Game 5! Why not Game 6?

A large part of it is Pau's fault, too. (Yes, that is Pau Gasol before he joined the Lakers in the picture above.)

He's not establishing post presence, he's not trying for rebounds, etc. Watch Pau when a Laker takes a contested jumper ... he's not even trying to rush the boards for a re.

Remember on the old NBA Live video game when you could just turn on "crash boards?" I keep wondering if there's some button on my remote where I could get the Lakers to try to do that.

In other news... the Magic played all right tonight. I mean, they had so many chances to really shellack (the 1950's word for "fuck their shit up") the Celtics, and yet, the Celtics still hung around. Missed FTs, missed threes, Rafer leaving his feet in the middle of the key without knowing what he's going to do with the ball yet ... and still, they win.

On the other hand, when the Magic weren't turning the ball over, they executed well. For the most part, Rashard Lewis and Courtney Lee were excellent in that game. And Dwight Howard certainly could teach the Lakers some shit about rebounding.

The last item worth noting before I devote my full attention to the second quarter is this quote from Milton Bradley on the Chicago Schlubs:
"It figures," he said after MLB announced its decision regarding the April 16 incident. "I never get treated fairly. This is me. This is exactly what I expected.
"I'm Milton Bradley, you know what I'm saying? You expect me to be crazy and throw stuff and do whatever."

Rockets, Poulter, in the pink

2009-05-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

It's tough to figure out which quarter was worse for the Lakers - the 2nd or the 3rd. Both were piss poor, and Jordan Farmar got owned on the last few plays at the end of the 3rd.

(Ex: Half court buzzer beater alley-oop to Aaron Brooks, over Farmar, who had surprisingly opted not to jump. After Brooks put the shot in, Farmar put his face in his hands. Yeah, who would've thought to jump for a ball flying right over your head, thrown from 50-60 feet away? Did Farmar think he was playing hockey?)

The Lakers finally abused the post w/ Gasol in the 4th, but it was too little too late. That's what everyone expected --- with Gasol and Bynum, how could the Rockets possibly stop the Lakers in the key? Well, the answer is easy - don't let the ball get there, haha.

Bynum was playing like he had fins instead of hands, as he couldn't hang onto shit, and the Lakers' passers appeared to still have their thoughts on something other than basketball.

Rockets played great, until a horrible 4th quarter for them -- still, they held on. It'll be interesting to see if that 4th quarter is indicative of how Game 5 will go. It'll also be interesting to see if the Lakers continue to lose 70% of the battles at the PG position.

Onto golf -- could somebody please ban pink pants from the men's tour? WTF? Pink pants? C'mon, show a little class. Jean shorts at a wedding is classier than pink pants.

Oops!

2009-05-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Well, there's still about 25 minutes left in this game (it's just before halftime), but the Lakers have been playing like absolute crap, and the Rockets have been playing better than average.

Derek Fisher is missing wide-open threes, Jordan Farmar likes shooting contested three pointers with 20 seconds left on the shot clock (WTF?), and Walton is wilder than Rick Ankiel. The Lakers' players who tend to pass more often (like Farmar/Fisher/Brown/Walton) are losing this game, and the purple and gold will definitely not get a "W" if this continues.

The Rockets guards are clearly the better guards in this first half.

That being said, the Lakers have been making runs. And they do have #24 out there, but heck, if he's getting double-teamed, and his wide-open teammates aren't hitting shit - what good is it having Kobe out there? All eyes turn to him in the second half. I'd be surprised if he takes any less than 200 to 300 shots in the 2nd half.

On the bright side for the Lakers, Hayes just got his 2nd foul, and Pau is clearly learning how to navigate that Rockets defense. Look for him to have a big 2nd half. If the Lakers can take over the post in this game, the momentum could shift quickly.

On the other hand, if the Lakers PGs keep on screwing up, the Lakers aren't winning.

One thing that did bug me - after getting T-ed up for talking to the ref, Kobe gets knocked to the damned floor while going for a rebound -- no foul. It's not necessarily a trend yet, but we'll see if the officiating stays consistent. It's tough to watch your team lose when the officiating is all over the place, which in the NBA, apparently changes depending on the clock and who has the possession arrow. A non-Western Conference example? Watch Paul Pierce get tons of calls late in games. Hey, he's great at it. Still, a perfect example.

Fighting the urge to bet the farm

2009-05-10T02:23:00.000-07:00

"The Rockets can win, but they need some crazy shit to happen. Lakers -3.5 or better is a bet that 72% of the nation was taking, before Yao got hurt."

OK, that headline is only partially correct -- I already have a good amount of juice riding on the Lakers -5 (risking $25 to win 17); and Lakers -2 with the over in the Celtics/Magic game (that one's at 186.5 after I bought some points). That Lakers -2 and Celtics/Magic Over 186.5 is risking $52 to win $40.

I understand that the Rockets have played pretty well without Yao, but they only really played one decent team in those five games, and in those five games, they either had McGrady, Dikembe Mutombo, and/or both. Also consider the backups are for Houston. I actually have a lot of respect for Scola and Landry, but what happens when Scola and Landry incur fouls?

The Rockets only hope is for Scola and Landry to get Gasol and Andrew Bynum in foul trouble, early. Even if that does happen, I don't see how the Rockets can compete. Kobe gets to rest as they just throw the ball into the post the entire game. The icing on the cake is that the Lakers really thumped 'em good, even with Yao, on Friday night.

The Rockets can win, but they need some crazy shit to happen. Lakers -3.5 or better is a bet that 72% of the nation was taking, before Yao got hurt. It literally doubled as that story broke. My recommendation - invest in the Lakers, but do it at -5 (or -3 if you can find it). This game will either create a multitude of questions for gamblers like us, but will most likely resolve a bunch as we see how the series moves.

Also, considering how many PPG the Celtics have allowed, and considering that they're playing an Orlando team in Orlando, I think it's a lock for the over/under to be over 184. In fact, I think the actual point total could easily be 200+, if the Magic shoot decently at home, and the Celtics score (which they have a pretty good track record of doing).

Juan Pierre's favorite $7.5 million mistake...

2009-05-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez sealed his name in history, in a manner comparable to a drunk in a white suit pissing all over his white shoes and not realizing it for two to three hours.

Speaking of people who've made seven-figure mistakes, our boy Ron Artest decided to give a shoutout to the Black Mamba on Wednesday night, the night before Manny knocked up the newspapers. $40 says that the Lakers win on Friday (they're a one point favorite, on the road, without their starting PG).
But back to Mannywood - this shit can be good news for the Dodgers.

Juan Pierre and Xavier Paul (ahem, "trade bait") get to play until Manny's return, which is just a few weeks before the trade deadline. BTW, did anyone notice that Dodgers need pitching? For Juan Pierre, who has repeatedly had around 200 hits, you get the feeling that he's muttering the same thing Gary Condit muttered a sigh of relief when 9/11 blew the Chandra Levy story right out of the national headlines.
The Dodgers, after negotiating for four months with Scott Boras, just got a $7.5 million discount, which allows them to afford some pitching. Didn't someone say that the Dodgers could use some pitching?
That investment just got sweeter, as it's pretty tough to get injured when you aren't playing for two months. Manny will come back at crunchtime healthy.
Dodgers fans will show up even if the team sucks, as the team has proven it can draw 3 million a season with a .500 team.

BTW, who doesn't believe that Rafer Alston could whup Eddie House's ass? Rafer v. Eddie, Rafer wins, easily. In other notes:

D-Fisher shouldn't have gotten suspended.

Dirk Nowitzki is being harassed by crazy ladies. Pregnant with child? Warrants out for her arrest?

Manny Pacquiao proved he is da shiznitz - again. It was funny to listen to all the people who still hadn't seen him fight before - they said the same thing I said, "Holy shit! That's the fastest boxer I've ever seen!" This link takes you to some quotes from Hit Man Hatton, like "If we'd have gone a few rounds it could have been different, but he caught me with practically the first punch he threw, to be honest."

Barcelona v. Manchester United for the EFA Cup is the equivalent of Lakers/Bulls NBA Finals, or Yankees/Red Sox ALCS, or Patriots/Colts AFC championship. Manchester's a huge favorite, Barcelona's only in the game because they scored in the 93rd minute. Just think, one year from now, we'll have the greatest global gambling extravaganza back in action - the FIFA World Cup.

Watch Seth Green's movie, Sex Drive. It's the new American Pie, just dumber, funnier, and less cheesy. Video clip here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8S9zA7X_60&feature=player_embedded

Yes you would...

Open yer hangar wide, it's acoming!

2009-04-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

Frying Pans make better bikinis...

I guarantee you'll see her at the Farmer's Market!!!

The Manning Bros' favorites!

Rachael Ray?

Why Popeye ate spinach instead of carrots:

How about a pair of these starin' right atcha?

A lemon you kinda wanna fuck with...

even Julius (Samuel L.) would dig on swine if this was in front of him...

You haven't ***ed until you've ****ed with tomatoes. ****!

This lil turkey didn't mind spreadin' 'em for us...

(Below: a pic of the ultimate bacon sandwich .... mmm ... baconlicious...)

Yes, it is called "foodporn." Is it wet? Kinda. Is it safe? I dunno. Do I need to wear a hat? Maybe.

A great day for democracy!

2009-04-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, Wednesday, April 15, 2009, will go down as an absolute ball-tingler of a day in this incredible land of golden showers and sticky democracy!

Republican supporters came out of the closet and made a proud stand for teabagging. Why just this afternoon, I flipped on the radio, only to hear a radio reporter bragging about how there were so many teabaggers who showed up for a rally hosted by who other, former Congressman Dick Armey. Then, there was a slightly awkward, two-second pause of dead air from these radio pros. One of the few times you could literally see someone at that station spitting out their coffee.

Can you think of anyone more appropriate to host a teabag rally than someone who's name causes one to envision an army of dicks? That aside, the radio hosts at the station replied, "Wow! I guess there's a lot of people down in Santa Monica that love Dick!"

Anyways, not to shit - or scrot on - the right wing, I'd just like to see more profanity in our political system. Maybe next year, the prez and the VP will declare their support for Al Gore's Donkey Show Docudrama! Not sure exactly what that would be, but it sounds equally gross.

The great thing about ignorant politicos using the sly profanity of the younger generations is that it leads to reports like this. You have to admit, they share the teabagging with all --- they even refer to Paul Krugman as a "teabag mouthpiece" (video link here), and then point out that both Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck are looking forward to an "up close and personal taste of teabagging."

After all, if you're under 30, do you honestly feel that any of the douchebags on TV (Fox, CNN, MSNBC, any other part of the spectrum) actually represent you? Or the majority of your high school graduating class? Fuck 'em. You think any of 'em have ever been dry-humping to Flo-Rida up in some skanky-ass club in the past year? I'm guessing not ...

And fuck the lady who went to a teabag party to complain that her kids are $32,000 in credit card debt (I have some level of respect for the other protestors, but not you, you douchebag ... that is not the fault of any administration, Democrat or Republican ...)

....

Ahhh yes, the old and out of touch generations' ignorance meant that the networks got to make us laugh today. Well I've got to go and squeeze out the Craphat Initiative, we haven't got much time ... now where'd that Dallas Cowboys hat go?

A few quick predictions

2008-11-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

While we're still feeling the effects of the elections, I noticed the story about the UTexas Longhorns center who posted racial remarks about Barack Obama on his Facebook page. I'm sure that won't create any tension with any present or future teammates, or result in any additional cheap shots in his future.

With that in mind, I predict we'll have at least two famous moralists in the gov't establishment get caught using the "N-word" about Obama or his family during the next two years. I'm not sure who they are, whether they'll be politicians or administrators or whatever, but I guarantee you it will happen. It'll be a big national story.

Of course we all know that Brit Hume says it every night as he's getting drilled in the ass by a male hooker. That is one ugly motherfucker, that Brit Hume. Dude is more jowly than a bulldog.

Moving on, here are some more predictions that are less heavy than that:

Buy 8 points and bet the farm on the AZ Cardinals and the Carolina Panthers this week. The 8 points wil reduce that line down to almost even, and I promise both will deliver.

The Raiders are falling apart, and so are the 49ers. Add in the fact that the Panthers and Cardinals are both rolling, and consider that the Cardinals are still pissed about last season's cheap losses to the Niners, which ultimately resulted in them finishing 8-8 instead of 10-6 (and making the playoffs). The Panthers are great at D -- much better than the Falcons -- and will be playing the Oaktown team that didn't do shit last week.

UPSET WATCH

Keep an eye on the KC Chiefs v. the Chargers, and the Detroit Lions this week. If the Chiefs play the way they did against Tampa last week (where they gave up 8 points in the last minute of the game), they will beat the confusing San Diego Chargers. The Chiefs had expert play-calling last week in the first half, and Tampa Bay was powerless to stop them, giving up 4 solid drives in a row..

And that's a GOOD defense, that Tampa Bay defense. San Diego's defense hasn't been good. Of course, the Chief's rush defense is giving up 184 yards a game on the ground, so that could be their downfall. Take the Chiefs +15.

The Lions would be a good team to take +20 points, just because Jacksonville is ice fucking cold, and Detroit is playing at home, and seeking their first win of the season. What I don't like about that game is that Detroit's run defense is the 2nd worst in the league, and Jacksonville has great RBs.

NBA BETS

Keep these things in mind:

Orlando plays great D at home (buy points and take the under)

Indiana scores a lot and gives up even more (buy points and take the over)

Portland is good at not losing by 10 (buy points and get 'em +12)

Philly is good at not losing by 10 (buy points and get 'em at +12 at home)

Dickhat

2008-10-31T18:57:00.000-07:00

HEY DICKHAT!!!

Yes, that's right, I'm talking to you... Check out these links, you dickhat! BARACK OBAMA MUDDAFUCKA!!!!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dickhat

http://www.dickhats.com/

http://www.ancestry.com/facts/Dickhat-immigration.ashx

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0882616/

http://www.chocolatepartyhats.com/blog/2008/03/05/what-happened-to-the-one-eyed-spartan/

http://youonmyblog.blogspot.com/2008/03/i-thought-dickhat-business-blew-me-away.html

http://www.computerandvideogames.com/article.php?id=194533

This post probably reminds Democrats of Republicans, and Republicans of Charlie Crist's visit to the Larry Craig Sex Ranch.

The BoGod is dying...

2008-10-28T00:44:00.000-07:00

This posting is dedicated to Calvin Ayre...

the smartest man in the world...

he sold Bodoglife.com to a bunch of dumb fucks for millions...

but all they really paid for was a nasty legal battle with the U.S. Justice Dept...

whereas Calvin is living on some random island, hiding from the feds, with his stacks of cash...

Hello ladies and gentlemen...

Now that we all know from California's Propsition 8 that God hates hobosexuals. Nobody likes a hobo - much less a married, God-hating hobo, whose sole purpose is to create more hobos...

No, today's post is not about hobos, although I'm just drunk enough to write another one about the problem these fasco-commun-Islamo-Satanists have against white people while they support the hammer and sickle.

(for the record: This blog is poorly-written satire. Please do not take it seriously. Unless you are an asshole or a shitbag, then please take it personally, and also remmber to heed this warning at all times -- when faced with fear, humor, or self-righteousness, please go fuck yourself ASAP.)

Anyways, today's portion is dedicated to the asshats who have angered the BoGods. Yes, it was about 18 months back when Bodog.com changed to Bodoglife.com. Why?

http://www.casinotimes.co.uk/bodog-falls-on-hard-times

Well, someone angered the BoGods, and next thing you know, some federal judge is ordering them to pay $90 gazillion lira (or dollars) in court. Hmmm... that presented a problem for Bodog (who had recently been sold to the Mohawk Gaming Group by Calvin Ayre, who is presumably living in a country like Cuba, or some other country that won't let the U.S. Justice Dept pay to arrest him).

So, Calvin split just in time to leave the Mohawks with the ginormous attorney and court fees, while he sips Mai Tais and fondles hookers. Sounds like a future character for Dexter or James Bond.

So, the Mohawks choked again on their appeal - and any runofthemill asshat can take a look at an article from a pro-gambling publication such as this - and realize that Bodog, or Bodoglife.com's days are numbered. I was tempted to go back when they promised me $100+ just for any deposit ... even a $20 deposit ... and then I realized, what kind of operation is going to give me $100 for $20?

Fuck ... any damned fool could smell the desperation a mile away. These guys would sell me crack cocaine if they had the opportunity. No, Bodog has gone to hell, and they aren't coming back. The U.S. Justice Dep't and the legal system has managed to put them totally away, and it didn't even take them two years.

Please remember - the asshat evangelical Republicans are the ones who said online gambling sites give money to terrorists - and while those asshats are themselves being federally investigated for various corruption charges (Ted Stevens, Tom DeLay, Rick Renzi, the list goes on) their law remains on the books.

Vote these bitches outta office - at least the Dems will restore online gambling to us true-blue, flag waving, poker-loving Americans!

DEFEND MARRIAGE!

2008-10-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

We have got to defend our rights! California's Proposition 8 does the right thing, by banning hobosexual marriage.

After all, we have to stop hobos from procreating, otherwise this state - and quite possibly our nation - could be destroyed as we know it!
Do you really want to see a population increase in hobos, populating the streets, with little hobos running around? What about teachers, teaching our kids to that it's okay to be a hobo! Every teacher in the state could do this, because all those flipping crackpot teachers are not interested in the best interests of our kids! Do you want a hobo to be able to apply for your job? What about a hobo moving next door, into your neighbor's dumpster, where he'll play his two-bit harmonica, keeping you awake at night? Is this what you want?

I, for one, do not, and dadgumit, it's about garshderned time we did something about it.

So vote "No" on Proposition 8 - unless you want to see more hobos tearing apart the moral fabric of this great city-state we call Texas! (Correction: California.)

GAMBLING GAME SHOW AND COWBOY HOMO-ERS

2008-10-22T23:49:00.001-07:00

So, why so much reporting on the Dallas Cowpokes? Well, the reason is that the mainstream douchebags you're listening to are fucking lazy, and aren't doing much fucking work.

Seriously - as a journalist - I cringe at the bullshit I see being passed off as "work" at ESPN. C'mon radio and TV douchebags, get off your fat asses, stop talking about how people feel, and whether a person's "feelings" might hurt a fucking football team.

THE NFL NETWORK IS THE ONLY NETWORK DOING THE REAL WORK AROUND, IT SEEMS. TIME TO SAY FUCK ESPN.

Instead - try telling me who has the least sacks allowed, who has the highest PPG, who is the sleeper team that we'll see playing in January. Well, that would require actual work. And instead of doing what you and I do every day, these ESPN douchebags are not even putting in the work that your average gambler or fantasy footballer does - and that is doing something more than re-iterating the bullshit from Happy Valley.

Instead - sack up - and put some effort into it. How about some reporting on which Panthers team will show up, or why the Chargers - or fuck, even the fucking Patriots - show up one week, only to blow dicks the next?

The answer? ESPN, The Sporting News, Fox, are all busy giving "double-fisters" (aka, a cock in each hand) to Jerry Jones and T.O. Seriously, the day I start caring about what some fat, judgmental fuck has to tell me about morals, is the day I ask you to take me out like an angry hobo trying to head-on the Red Line in Bahston.

Fuck your morals. If I want that shit, I'll turn on Fox News and listen to Sean Hannity tell me why pig farmers from Oklahomo have better morals than people from big cities (which is total fucking bullshit by the way -- anyone seen the sex offender ratios or rapes per capita in small, rural, Baptist or Mormon towns? -- way higher than the averages seen in populations with 500k+).

HERE'S WHAT WE REALLY NEED:

A reality show where five pros pick teams each week for a prize of $1 million. Maybe take the top 10 people from Yahoo!, and give them their own show. Give them a prize pool of some ridiculous sum of money, and give at least 70% of it to the guy/gal with the highest winning percentage.

Put a clause in all of their contracts that any evidence of revenue "sharing" amidst the group will result in immediate forefeiture of all winnings. Make half of their house a bar, fill it with women, liquor, and access to bookies. Maybe give each gambler $100 bucks a week just for parlays, and track those too. Also, encourage embarassing side bets, or maybe even require embarassing side bets, for those who are wrong.

This would create:

A) Accountability for bad picks

B) Serious analysis that the public could use

C) Some fun shit. And if anyone really fucks up - drop them off in neighborhoods like Camden, Kingston, or Watts, and see what happens.

The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down

2008-10-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

Here are some quotes from one of the best movies ever:

"While on the phone with a drug dealer, remember that drugs are referred to as t-shirts, and CDs, and things..."

"The second thing about drug dealers is that they operate on their own sense of time. A half hour of their time means an hour and a half of real life time... That's just how it works."

Drug dealers always tell you that their shit is the best:

"This shit is da shit dat make da president go, Huh?"
"You may be able to get it cheaper, but you will not be able to get it better?"

When pulled over:

"If traveling, keep your stash in the glove box - the police need a warrant to search it."

"At the end of the day, they (cops) make all the rules." (so don't make a smart-ass comment)

"Weed is such a benign substance, doctors prescribe it."

"Dirt weed is great for inthe mornings, or at work. Skunk weed is the pungent super buds that get you high. Good for traffic jams, and it can make any food taste like a gourmet feast."

"Don't think for a second that if you get stoned at a party that you'll be witty and clever."

"Joints turn weed into a social drug because it is passed around."

"We all know about puff puff give. It's not puff, puff, tell a story, chat, puff, chat, give."

cunt shit fuck box hate evil ass

2008-10-19T23:00:00.001-07:00

Hey motherfuckers!

Boy howdy, I just got out of church and I am ready to shit myself. Holy fuckbox!
Time to keep on drinking straight out of the rum bottle, but this time, I poured lime sugar and drugs into it! Fuck shit cunt crap bongload hippie -- wait, in the midst of that angry spiel, has anyone noticed that Barack Obama is a -575 on Bodog to win the election, which basically means that he's winning --- sharded assplosion fun anal ranger.

Best insult line I've heard in awhile --- from Californication --- "So sorry about fucking your wife in almost every room of the house... Oh wait, it WAS every room. And sorry about the rug --- I didn't know she was a squirter!"
Now where's that sexy aloha dancer I ordered??? She should've been here an hour ago, and I've got a boner the size of Florida.
KEEP ON FUCKING!
LESBIANS ARE AWESOMER THAN AWESOME --- EXCEPT WHEN THEY BLOW ME --- THEN THEY'RE AWESOMER THAN AWESOMER THAN AWESOME!!!

KEEP ON FUCKING!

2008-10-18T01:24:00.001-07:00

Back on the Full Tilt, and back on poker, and back on drugs. It feels good to be back. The meth has my asshole more puckered than a monkey about to kiss the head of the NRA.
For those of you who don't know what the NRA is, that would be the National Rapists Association. It's illegal in every state, except for Texas and Alaska - where Tom DeLay and Ted Stevens have personally authorized new rape bills, which allow them to molest farm animals of all types.
I'm just kidding of course. I love guns. I love them so much, the cops took all of mine away. Now the only guns I've got left are these new models called "biceps" - and trust me, they are weapons of mass destruction.

Keep on fighting the good fight against the fascists - someday the proletariat will win, and we will all have monkeys for butlers (inter-species slavery is legal in all 50 states, thank God!).

(If you take anything written in this blog seriously - don't - this is pure satire. Or for you purists - it's shatire - no relation to Shatner or Fat Tire for those of you who are confused by that.)

Allllllllllllllll righhhhhhhhhhtttt...

2008-10-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Giggity... http://www.llli.org/ More... giggity... leche... giggity... for me... giggity.

~ Fin ~

2008-07-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Well folks, a lot has changed since I started this blog. When I started it, I had much less happening, and a ton of funass gambling, caffeine, booze, and irrational anger going on.

Unfortunately, I no longer have the time to gamble (or do other stuff) as much, which leads to less material, which leads to shittier posts... you get the trend here. Also, I think I've posted the little I do know about sports gambling and betting already ... now it's time to work on identifying some new trends.

So, all that being said - thanks for visiting the site. It's been a fun year. Now it's time to cash in my chips and hit the road. Maybe I'll start another one some day.

Gypsy Give Me Your Tears

2008-07-19T00:32:00.000-07:00

The globe has once again been rocked by the reverberations of the latest quake in the universe we call cycling ... that's right, I said it.
The world of cycling -- which dominates your putrid American lives and mine -- has been tainted. What the fuck will poor bastards like us do?
I mean, this is the sport of kings. I mean, kings that don't ride horses. And they don't play for money. Or throw punches. Or throw anything, for that matter. OK, fine - a well trained monkey could kick these guys asses, and your average African could easily outrun them --- but still --- the one sport that the French are almost as good at as they are at fencing ... has been rocked by a drug scandal.
So while you scream, OMGWTFDID (Oh my God, What the Fuck Do I Do?), I have a three solutions for cycling:
1) Allow them to take EPO or whatever the fuck they want.
B) Require a steady dosage of speed (ok, fine Billy Bob, meth) to be injected into their water bottles.
29t) Give Dennis Rodman a bottle of vodka, a motorcycle, $10,000 in cash, a camera crew, 14 female strippers, and a fuckload of responsibility. Fuck cycling - this could be its own show. Showtime, are you listening? 5) Require a steady soundtrack of the Prodigy. Not all of the albums, just one - so it gets psychotically repetitive. What would you do all jacked up on meth, exercising like a madman, and listening to "Smack My Bitch Up". Well, I don't know the answer to that question, but I think we should use the Tour de France to find out.
Q) Require daily use of heavy steroids and porn stars. Fuck EPO --- why not ask these guys to snort lines of creatine mixed with human growth hormone? No matter what these new rules are, I'm sure Jose Canseco will take credit for banging their wives...

14) Are we still talking about cycling? Sorry, I fell asleep for a bit. What's cycling? Oh yeah, that shit you do to buy more beer when you're too weavey to drive.

Is Brett Favre still relevant these days? Or is he like a cross between Barry Bonds and Strom Thurman --- so old and possibly deceased that you just don't give a fuck anymore.

Let's talk politics! A great time for politics. I'm voting for Batman! Although, I hear the Joker is needling closer in the polls. (Get it? Needling closer? Awww, c'mon -- Heath would've thought it was stabbingly funny!)

Somehow, something tells me that joke's so bad that only the Joker would laugh at it. Hey Riddler, WTF does a wombat have in common with a used condom?

I dunno, but I'm pretty sure it involves shutting the fuck up. You bastard. You filthy fucking animal. WTF gives you the right to criticize my dirninking habitz you dubm fuck...

College futbol predictions

2008-07-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Once a year, everyone releases their college football rankings at the same time. Here's a pretty good site for you to see the over/under on your team's win/loss total for the 2008 season.

It's too bad to see the Arizona Wildcats at 6.5, and ASU at 8.5.

It's surprising to see Clemson atop everyone's list, with 8.5. Clemson is picked to be the ACC winner. Some other potential surprises include BYU, a much-improved North Carolina team, Texas Tech having a great chance at having a better record than big brother Texas, Utah and Tennessee are also good.

But what is kind of surprising to a layman like myself is seeing LSU way down that list. LSU is not on top of anyone's list, which is kind of surprising considering how good that program is year after year.

Need more college football? Check this link out:
http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&rls=com.microsoft:en-us&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tab=wn&q=2008+college+football+over+under&scoring=n

Weapons of Ass Destruction

2008-07-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

The Fascist Research Council recently sent out an e-mail named "Weapons of Mass Destruction", talking about gay marriage in Massachusetts.

I find it hilarious that these fascists are so worked up about gay marriage, because it shows just how out of touch they are with anyone in my generation. Seriously, do you know anyone under the age of 30 who gives a flying fuck about gay marriage?

As a straight centrist who simply doesn't like Obama (but I also hate the fuck out of the Republican party), I can tell you that I sure as fuck don't give a fuck about gays marrying each other. I mean, look at these two chicks in the pic below. I would pay them to get married, for chrissakes, as long as I got to watch!
On the other hand, I would be worried if the gay lobby introduced "Weapons of Ass Destruction." After all, I'm not down for my ass's destruction. But it would be a good name for a porno starring Chasey Lain (I'm sure she's still hot).
Let's face it - people are going to go down on whoever they want, women will always be warming their hands in squish mittens, and some trick named Jack will be just as eager to pressure wash the quiver bone of a drunken Tom Cruise.

But the Fascist Research Council is too eager to put the clamp on that. I'm sooo happy that they don't have a presidential candidate in their pocket this time around. These are the same craphats who want to ban porn, censor shows like "Dexter" and "Weeds" and "Larry David", and outlaw gambling.

Speaking of getting down and stupid names for shit, I cun't help but think of MILF. It's a fun acronym, but it has been overused a bit.

It's no longer as cool to say as it once was a few years back. Well, I was inspired today when I saw a few MIWNF (Mother I would not fuck), or MTUTF (Mother too ugly to fuck), or MTFTF (Mother to fat too fuck).

Heck, I thought of the MTUTF when I saw a 43-year-old with a big ass and a dyed-blonde buzz cut (tempted to nickname her "Jag", or even better, "Guile" from Street Fighter). I couldn't help but think, MTUTF!!! And of course, I missed the MILF I had just recently seen.

For the final note, back to politics and porn - has anyone heard of Arnold Schwarzenegger's alter-ego? Yes, indeed - Arnold Schwarzenpecker is starring in A-list films including:

Don't Waste It, Taste It 4 (2008) (V)
Face Invaders 3 (2008) (V)
Massive Facials (2008) (V)
Rebeca Linares Raw (2008) (V)
Slutty & Sluttier 6 (2008) (V)
The 2007 AVN Awards Show (2007) (V)
Asian Fucking Nation 2 (2007) (V)
Bangin' Black Boxes (2007) (V)
Breakin' 'Em in 10 (2007) (V)
Brianna Love Is Buttwoman (2007) (V)
Chocolate Frosted Faces (2007) (V)
Deep Throat This 39 (2007) (V)
Evil Anal 3 (2007) (V)
Evilution 3 (2007) (V)
Face Fucking, Inc. 2 (2007) (V)
Face Time! (2007) (V)
Flesh Hunter 10 (2007) (V)
Gang Bang 6 (2007) (V)
Gang Bang My Face 2 (2007) (V)
The Gauntlet 3 (2007) (V)
Glory Hole (2007) (V)
Gobble the Goop 3 (2007) (V)
Kick Ass Chicks 44: Oriental Girls (2007) (V)
Mope Squad 2 (2007) (V)
Odd Jobs (2007) (V)
Racial Tension 2 (2007) (V)
Sperm Splattered 4 (2007) (V)
Teens Corrupted (2007) (V)
Throat Gaggers 13 (2007) (V)
Wet Food (2007) (V)
Wet Food 2 (2007) (V)
Hellcats 12: Goin' Down (2006) (V)
Not Too Young for Cum 4 (2006) (V)
Gangbang Auditions 21 (2006) (V)
Sex Slaves 2 (2006) (V)
Cum Fart Cocktails 4 (2006) (V)

Just for good measure, here's a few more porn titles:

20,000 Legs Under the Sea
2002: A Sex Odyssey
A Clockwork Orgy
A Penile Action
A Tale of Two Titties
All Hands On Dick
Anus the Menace
Ass Ventura: Smut Detective
Battlestar Orgasmica
Beverly Hills Cock
Black Men Can Hump
Bone Alone
Bonfire Of The Panties
Buffy the Vampire Layer
Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid
Cliff Banger
Coo-Coo for CoCo Cocks
Crocodile Dun-Me
Cum to Drink of It
Cumming to America
Das Booty
Deep End With Some Lotion
Dial M for Missionary
Dickman and Throbin Hood
Dickman Forever
Dog-Style Afternoon
Doing John Malkovich
Dun-Hur
E3: The Extra-Testicle
Edward Penishands
Ejacula
Enema of the State
Erectnophobia
Flashpants: Cop a Feeling
Flesh Gordon
For Your Thighs Only
Foreskin Gump
Forrest Hump
Frisky Business
Full Metal Bikini
Ghostlusters
Gonad the Barbarian
Good Will Humping
Guess Who Came At Dinner
Hannah Does Her Sisters
Hindfeld
Honey, I Blew Everybody!
I Cream On Genie
I Reenter Mama
In RearEndence Day
Indiana Joan and the Temple of Poon
Intercourse With a Vampire
Interview With a Vibrator
Jack/Off
Jennifer Ate
Juranal Park
Jur-ass-ic Park
Lawrence of Labia
Mad Jack: Beyond Thunderbone
Malcolm XXX
Mighty Joe Schlung
Miracle on 69th Street
Missionary Impossible
Murphy's Brown
Mutiny on the Booty
Natural Born Thrillers
Night of the Giving Head
Oh Cum on Ye Faces
An Officer and a Genitalman
On Golden Blonde
Picnic at Hanging Cock
Pornochio
Pulp Friction
Pumping Irene
Regarding Hiney
Reservoir Bitches
Riding Miss Daisy
Romancing the Bone
The San Francisco 69ers vs. the Green Bay Butt Packers
Saturday Night Beaver
Saving Ryan's Privates
Screw The Right Thing
Sgt. Pecker's Lonely Heart's Club Gangbang
Sex Trek: Penetrations
Sexcalibur
Shake My Spear, I'm In Love
Sheepless in Montana
Snatch Adams
Splatman
Splendor In The Ass
Star Whores
Tailiens
Tales from the Clit
The 7" Samurai
The Bare Bitch Project
The Bitches of Madison County
The Bootyguard
The Empire Strokes Black
The Flintbones
The Fuckulty
The Horny-Mooners
The Humpback of Nasty Dames
The Hunt for Miss October
The Joy Suck Club
The Load Warrior
The Long Ranger
The Maddam's Family
The Naked Bun
The Porn Birds
The Replacement Drillers
The Rodfather
The Sexorcist
The Sixth Inch
The Slutty Professor
The Sperminator
The Talented Mr. Lickme
The Touchables
The Whore of the Worlds
The XXX Files
Thighs Wide Shut
Too Clothed For Comfort
Twin Cheeks
Wet Dreams May Come
Wetness for the Prosecution
When Harry Ate Sally
Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory
Yank My Doodle - It's A Dandy
Yo Quiero Taco Smell
You've Got Tail

All Star Dread

2008-07-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight's All Star game was pretty boring. Although Tim "Culolips" McCarver did come up with two decent suggestions to avoid any future ties (you could sense the dreaded feeling that a tie was imminent in tonight's game).
McCarver suggested expanding the roster size and not considering any pitchers who pitched the last game before the All Star game. It'd also get more pitchers into the game.
Another thing that would help is if these managers stopped pitching guys for just two innings. They're starters. They'll live if they throw three or four innings.
Clint Hurdle obviously did a better job of managing tonight's game - he had several pitchers left, whereas the AL didn't. He was managing to win, whereas Francona was managing with player politics in mind.

In addition to adopting McCarver's suggestions, here's a few other ideas:

Continue to offer the winning team the home-field advantage in the World Series.
Either offer $50k extra to every player on the winning team, or pick two charities (one for each team), and offer $1.4 million to the winning team's charity. Nobody wants to be the guy who committed an error and cost the cancer ward $1.4 million, or the guy who cost their teammates $50k apiece.
The winning league gets a few more interleague games at home next season (realistically, I don't see the owners going for this).
Offer additional 1st round draft picks to the winning league.
The winning team gets to play their style in next year's All Star game. So, if the NL wins in 2008, in 2009, the game is played by NL rules.
Free bjs for the winning team from the Hilton sisters. Hey, you were thinking it. One problem with that one - they're probably below Jeter's standards.

Sage advice

2008-07-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

Heard some savvy football (and other sports) gambling advice today. It pertains to football the most, and that is that bookies will always inflate the over/under, because the majority of all gambling fans will bet the over.

The majority of most football bets (and I'm talking about the total population size) appears to be bets from the occasional gambler who's only making a bet on their team. Does anyone ever want to watch their home team in a low-scoring game? No. Everyone hopes to blow out their opponent.

Now savvy football bettors tend to edge toward the under for that exact reason. And that's what you'll discover if you get a team like the 2007 Raiders/Chiefs/Bills/49ers/Dolphins/Rams/Panthers, or the 2006 Bears. Buying points off that over/under can make the difference on your bankroll. Keep it in mind --- I've actually been wondering that already with baseball this season. The last time I tallied that, the majority of the day's games had the under (this was this past week).

Break

2008-07-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, the All Star break. A game that means nothing, and is pointless to watch, gives gambling junkies such as myself a few days to do other shit.

Anyways, check this out ... Bud is no longer an American beer. Yep, the Brew Blog tells us all about it: http://www.brewblog.com/ (this is Miller/Coors-sponsored blog btw). Does this mean that Bud girls will be Belgian from now on?

27 remain at the WSOP... Tiffany Michelle possibly the most famous person of the final 27...
Taking a glance at the NL standings -- http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/standings -- and everybody who was predicted to be leading their division is, with the exception of the Tigers.

Here's the teams that have exceeded expectations:

St. Louis Cardinals (they'd be in first if they didn't have 20+ blown saves)
Oakland (try to name three starting position players on this team)
Marlins (although they haven't been great as of late)
Twins (who needs Santana?)
Tampa Bay Rays (I find it hard to get excited about this team, especially when they drop several to Cleveland)

Speaking of the Cleveland Indians, they're in last place. They were just a few games away from representing the AL in the World Series, and now they're in dead last, and I'm complaining that they're beating teams like Tampa Bay.

Well, the Indians suck. They can't score. Their pitching is real iffy. They just canned their closer. Need I say more?

Oh well - enjoy the All Star break.

Fuck this shit

2008-07-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Obama campaign didn't find Bernie Mac so funny... What's the big deal? Here's the "comments" that were offensive to women. Sounds like some overweight satchel of shit in the audience needs to lighten up a little.

Ahhhh, awesome! Found an 0/21 slump yesterday with hitting a set on a flop with a pocket pair. Normally the odds on that one are 1/7.5.

To top it off, when my set finally hit to break the streak, my set of 2s lost to 59 suited, which caught runner runner for a $14 pot. Rad!

Managed to extend it to 1/29 today, before building up a chip lead at three multi-table tourneys for tournament chips. I got knocked out with the best hand in all three. Fuck this. Fuck Bodog. Bunch of fucking suckass cards at that site. Seriously - I haven't changed my fucking style of play in the past week - yet in the past 24 hours, my winning % over the course of a few thousand hands has dropped by 15%. What a bunch of bullshit.

Looks like a good day for baseball though... Mike Pelfrey starts the evening game for the Mets, but there's also some other good pitching matchups involving Brandon Webb v. Cole Hamels, C.C. Sabathia takes the hill in a should-be lock, Joe Saunders v. J. Duescherer, Tim Lincecum v. Ryan Dempster, and more...

Nipponout

2008-07-12T00:59:00.000-07:00

Bet you didn't know Baron Davis was tight with The Game...
Who puts vodka in their coffee?
Two tabling + seeing double = Four tabling? (I just almost accidentally folded Jacks)
Speaking of poker, how's the WSOP going? Click here for the latest... Look at the chip leaders - sheikhan, hansen, cunningham...

Now back to my game... Don't you love it when you go all in and face three callers, and don't win big, but at the same time avoid certain death? Mothafuckas up in here be pushin with 79 and 34 and AJ versus my QQ. The QQ beat everything but the 79, causing a small profit on my part.

Back 'n fuckin'

2008-07-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

After breaking a losing streak with a Smash 'N Grab style victory in a $15 turbo, I'm feeling good after an easy first place. After a dominating, aggressive victory, I feel like Doyle Brunson...
Dope song: Wanna know...
Odd song: Richard Cheese covers NIN's "Closer"
Some kind of Obbie - A fucking thief!!!! A fucking klepto thief!!!

Video: Retarded

Random Facts

2008-07-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

Goddamn it. I just spent 10 minutes writing a fucking post and somehow Blogger.com deleted it. Now it won't let me post any photos.

Here's some predictions and factoids for you:

I will do something extraordinarily stupid in the next 24 hours that I will regret (I was literally typing that as I accidentally erased that entire post actually, so maybe that was it).
The Dodgers will make the playoffs and lose in the first round. But they'll still be in the top 10 in ERA.
The Cubs will find a way to choke in a very public, and embarassing way. If this prediction is correct, Lou Piniella may have a coronary or kill an umpire. Or both.
Bobby Cox will kick an umpire with his cleats before he retires (the only manager in baseball who still wears cleats btw).
The Padres will continue being the worst team in baseball.
The Yankees will go on a serious tear after the All Star break.
Chipper Jones will take two weeks off if the Braves are out of it by mid-August.
The Arizona Cardinals will hover around .500 because of injuries this season.
Greg Jennings will not be the only player going to Europe instead of college, and be drafted in the 1st round of the NBA draft next season.
The Suns will not re-sign Amare Stoudemire after his contract expires at the end of the 2009 season.
The Angels will lose to the Red Sox in the playoffs.
Dirk Nowitzki will not be playing for the Mavericks three years from now.
Elton Brand will miss at least 1/3 of the games in his 5-year deal with the 76ers, either due to injury or fake injury.
Brett Favre will not return to the Packers.
The Buffalo Bills will not move to Toronto.

The 1-Hitter

2008-07-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well, almost saw the second perfect game of my life at Chavez Ravine tonight. Hideki Kuroda took one into the top of the 8th. He seemed to average 10 pitches per inning for the entire game. In the 6th, he had 60, and finished with 91 total pitches.
Also, sure enough, the Braves' Jorge Campillo began to melt down right on time - during the 5th inning, the Dodgers got 3 and blew a chance to put up 5 or 6. It's amazing how he just starts to leave them up in the 5th inning of every game. Keep that in mind - you might be able to make some serious bucks prop betting against someone who doesn't know that, lol.

So, as long as we're talking about some of the best - here's some of the best and worst moments from the past week:

Three-day weekend.

Missing a $510 parlay by one game (ouch).

Consistently making the money in tournaments while blacked out.

Free ticket at field level to a 1-hitter.

Cutting off another car at the perfect time to exit the freeway.

Seeing a perfect ass at the beach.

Eating sushi for lunch and then wondering if you're going to vomit in your cubicle an hour later.

A birdie putt on a par 4 after hitting a perfect approach shot.

Someone taking a big bongrip in the middle of the living room an hour before some important (and relentlessly anal) houseguests come over (thank you).

Avoiding being creamed by a drunk driver going 40+ in a parking lot (it's nice to not have massive bruises and broken bones at the moment).

Getting caught staring at a tan pair of boobs with a smile.

Listening to the Padres homer announcers defend having a guy in the home run derby who hit four weak ground balls in a row during tonight's game.

Having someone smart try to question the wisdom of your business, only to have them walk away impressed.

Watching a moron exit a car ASAP as it's pulling onto a street so he can sprint into a liquor store.

At the end of a 1-hitter in favor of your team, seeing a t-shirt that says "Losing is nature's way of telling you that you suck."

Campillo v. Kuroda

2008-07-07T08:40:00.001-07:00

So, didn't get to play much poker this weekend, but did get some serious beach time, serious stupidity, and serious golf (for 9 holes anyway). Apparently, someone I know was doing snow angels in the sand outside of a house at 2:30 a.m.

Going to see the Blue Crew take on Hotlanta tonight - where the Braves, who are terrible on the road (12-29) take on the Dodgers, who are okay at home (22-20).

Jorge Campillo v. Hideki Kuroda is the matchup, and there should be at least 5 or 6 runs in this one. Of course, you never can tell - last year I saw Tim Hudson v. Brad Penny, when they were both on winning streaks - and both gave up at least 5 runs apiece before the 5th inning was over.

OK - gotta roll - but will post more after the game.

Sizzurp

2008-07-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

Short post today, because I'm gonna be partying all day.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_drank

'Merica!

2008-07-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday 'Merica! May you do what many of us do on our birthdays ... drink until you black out, only to awake next to some strange person about 50-lbs. larger than you thought (after all, it is 'Merica) ... and then repeating the process. Oh wait, that isn't a birthday - that's every day. Go 12-team parlay!!!

Mighty Golden Gopher http://www.grandforksherald.com/ap/index.cfm?page=view&id=D91N2E980

Baggin' a fox? http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a107399/megan-fox-splits-with-boyfriend.html

Speakin' of baggin'... http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/News/0,,2-7-1442_2352071,00.html

This is just weird... http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/internet/a/2006_top_ten_2.htm

Verne, you dirty devil... http://www.postchronicle.com/news/entertainment/tittletattle/article_212156238.shtml

? http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/bar-owner-tells-of-wild-british-soldiers-860330.html

What day traders do when they're bored... http://business.smh.com.au/rex-and-the-rose-of-goths-in-the-city-20080704-31uf.html

Beer Saves Lives... http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=5301532&page=1

Brit film named "Donkey Punch"... http://www.thisisthesentinel.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=243890&command=displayContent&sourceNode=243888&contentPK=21019322&folderPk=112383&pNodeId=253911&returnNodeId=253911

$20 buy-ins

2008-07-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Gotta love late night $20 tournaments. I've been playing them online recently and having a blast. Last night, I was in such a condition that my condition had me seeing double and accidentally folding aces (luckily, that averted at least one suckout that would have cost me all my chips). Instead, I made the money!

Tonight, I was on the verge of bubbling out, but instead just kept patiently folding, with the occasional heads-up all in. Finally, the guy with the 3rd highest stack fucked up, got caught up in a big hand, couldn't fold, and once again got me into the money.

Besides all that shit, starting to wonder if I have some carpal tunnel shit going on. Not so good, considering I type a few thousand words a day. So, if you're wondering, my posts may be a bit shorter these days.

Lastly, I've been trying 6 or more 10-team parlays per day for the past few days. I've had a few come real close to winning, but so far, I'm just down about $20. I'll give it two or three more days before giving up on that shit.

Big wiffin

2008-07-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

Video: 300 v. Robot Chicken

Story: Biggest non-baseball story on Tuesday

Check out all the walk-off homers from Tuesday

Story: One of Tuesday's biggest comebacks, got me within one game of a $2 to win $3,000 bet. Didn't hit, but fun to see a 3,000-to-2 almost hit, especially with late-game comebacks.

Rat trappin...

2008-06-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

Danger Doom, bitch!

Man, my crap luck continued tonight, and then it slammed to a halt. Mariners just needed to score one run, and I go 9/9 and win a bill. Buttttt, they didn't. I got bad beat in two or three tourneys immediately, too.

Then I tried playing reverse logic on the bubble, with a medium-sized stack in a 2-table. Sure enough, my A8 beat an AK. (I've been the AK the past few days.) After that, I just said fuck it and went off to the races, winning most of them. Somehow, that started happening after I learned of Scotty Nguyen's victory. (click on picture on right)

Then, playing heads up, I raced my 44 against QQ, catching a 4 on the river. I later won on an actually savvy trap - had the other player surprised that I had some kind of skill (because I displayed none along the way).

Now I feel like I've broken my bad streak, and speak of the devil, I just got a BB special - my A6 flopped 663, and someone else had 68. I love the Internets - every single last one of them.

Hosed

2008-06-30T20:05:00.001-07:00

I kinda got hosed yesterday, literally losing big poker hands in the following ways:

- my set after the flop loses to a higher set

- my set after the flop loses to a set that catches four of a kind

- I have two pair and a flush draw, the other guy is 8% to win (only two cards in the deck can save him). With only the river to go, I push. He catches one of those two cards.

- got beat w/ AK suited v. AJ naked on an all-in preflop late in a tourney.

I got hosed in baseball bets too, literally watching two walk-off homers fuck me right in the arsehole. So, I said fuck it and went to go play golf, which was a lot more fun than watching walk-off home runs.

(Speaking of walk-offs and working against yourself, just watched the Orioles give up a go-ahead run in the top of the 10th. Lucky enough, I've got them +1.5. Unlucky though, that I lose back-to-back coin flips of AQ v. 77 and AK v. 33.)

But enough about my troubles, because they're gonna end today anyways.

_______________________________________

Here's the latest from the FRC (Fascist Research Council), a conservative Christian Right lobbying group, summarizing what's going on on Capitol Hill regarding online gambling. (from June 26)

It's been a tough week for multi-billion dollar gambling interests and their elected friends in the House of Representatives, as two separate gambling measures went down to defeat yesterday. Both H.R. 4115 and H.R. 2176, two "land swap" gambling bills that would authorize an unprecedented expansion of Indian casinos off-reservation, which were rolled into one under H.R. 2176, went down in flames by a vote of 121-298. Despite the bill's failure in the Judiciary Committee, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) took the unusual step of allowing a floor vote on the controversial measure as a political pay-off to Rep. John Dingell (D-Mich.).

Elsewhere, Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-Mass.) held a markup on H.R. 5767, which would undo the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act (UIGEA). Rep. Peter King (D-N.Y.) offered a "compromise" amendment that would have prevented the implementation of UIGEA. The King Amendment failed by a 32-32 vote, and the overall bill failed on final passage. Ranking Member Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.) and their staffs deserve great praise for taking on the well-funded pro-Internet gambling interests and coming up with a winning hand.

If you play online poker and vote Republican, you're working against yourself.

But hey - if it weren't for those Republicans in the House, the government could tax the $12 to $25 billion industry (in the U.S.), and probably cut our taxes. Go figure - those gambling lobbyists were G.W. Bush's top contributors in 2004, yet they still got hosed by that anti-gambling bill. It'll happen some day, I promise. Just don't vote Republican, and it'll happen sooner. And regardless of who you vote for, I doubt it'll be a heavily enforced law anyways.

Hopefully, our Pentagon has put online gambling on a lower priority than that other concern they have... you know, terrorists bombing the shit out of us.

_______________________________________
Another political note - thanks to the US Supreme Court for throwing this assbag lawsuit from the MLB to stop fantasy baseball. Just think - MLB wanted all of us to pay exorbitant fees for fantasy baseball. What a bunch of assbaggery.
_______________________________________

Time to go out with a Bull Durham quote:

"Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."

Lucky

2008-06-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

Late in the game, Tigers 2, Rockies 3. Two outs, runners on 1st and 3rd, and Rockies bring in Matt Herges, a RHP, to go up against a rookie catcher named Dane Sardihna whom Jim Leyland doesn't sub for.

I'm thinking, "WTF Leyland, this guy has never gotten a hit before." (0 for 11 so far in the bigs)

Two run double. Tigers take the lead.

-------------
Shortly after, the Rays - who also started a backup catcher for no reason - just gave up a run, after the catcher ACCIDENTALLY RAN AWAY FROM HOME PLATE. So, the Pirates score, and then promptly follow with a double.

As Borat says, "Notsogood."

Early on

2008-06-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

Early on, these 8 baseball bets (see post below) are ok so far.

DBacks up 2-0.
TB Rays didn't start two of their best players who have been recently hot, yet are threatening to score each inning. Pittsburgh's pitcher just walked TB's pitcher.
Baltimore is down 1-0, but Jeremy Guthrie's worst inning is the first. He pitched great after finding his location. Once he gets through the first this season, he's usually spot on with his pitches. Meanwhile, the Nationals are batting Aaron Boone at cleanup (.262 avg, 5 HR), who promptly hits into an inning-ending double play with runners on. And that's why the Nationals are losing so often at home.
Tigers put up two runs for a quick lead, but promptly blew it. Colorado up 3-2, this game looks like it might have 20 runs. Nervous about this one.
Haven't had a chance to watch Cleveland yet, but it looks like they've pitched out of jams in back to back innings. Still no runs for either team, which is not what I was hoping for.

Swinging for the fuckin' fences

2008-06-29T08:04:00.001-07:00

I'm on the juice, lettin' loose, throwin more than a hundo down in a variety of bets on the following Sunday MLB games. Hope they win! (Click here for video.)

Here's the teams to bet on Sunday, June 29:
Detroit
Cleveland
Tampa Bay
Arizona
Baltimore
Kansas City
Angels
Texas +1.5

Speaking of swinging for the fences, did anyone else hear that story about how Babe Ruth's granddaughter wants his jersey retired? It is #3, but then again, Yankee Stadium IS the "House that Ruth Built." I say honor the man. Home runs and comparisons to other players statistically aside - he's a legend. He was the centerpiece of "Murderer's Row", and larger than life.

Need I say more?

OK, I will. Personally, I think that in the NBA, they retire too many jerseys. But, as long as MLB and other pro sports are in the business of retiring jerseys, you've got to retire the Babe's jersey. That'd be like the NBA ignoring a Magic Johnson/Bird/Thomas, or the NFL ignoring a guy like Gayle Sayers/Jim Brown.

Hilarious link

2008-06-29T00:44:00.000-07:00

Click here to check out this hilarious link to some of the best pranks in the past 20 years. Starring: Frank Rizzo, ya fuckin' bottleneck!

How about them fuckin' Dodgers?

2008-06-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Seriously - no hits, and a win? In the freeway series, much less?

The Dodgers are famous for losing to the Angels, but this time, they've held the Angels scoreless for 18 innings straight.

The Dodgers are showing what good pitching can do, but even more - what Matt Kemp can do. Kemp is the guy who got on base with some fast baserunning and an error, stole second and then third, only to come home a little later. This dude is the next Ken Griffey Jr. Except healthier, I think.

If both these teams get healthy and can get the hitting going, time to start betting.

Live longer, get wired

2008-06-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

So I had the pleasure of listening to an esteemed M.D. the other day (not your average Doc, but one who makes quite a bit more than the average Doc) who's probably one of the top folks in the state on med reports.

You know what he said? He quoted a recent medical study from respected, non-coffee affiliated researchers stating that 6 cups of joe a day significantly increases the probability of a longer life. Now go figure...

I guess I'm definitely going to live longer, even though it means more twitchery.

Another random tip - when hotels try to upgrade you, press them why. Be ready to refuse an "upgrade". I know two people who've recently been "upgraded" after making reservations for rooms between $120 to $350+, and both got hosed into much shittier rooms.

(Usually what drives this is some other pushy customer who checked in before you requested a room change for some fickle reason, and to be nice, the host fucks you over to appease them. The example I most recently heard from the hotel I was in - an elderly couple -- or aka an overweight couple -- asked for a first floor room to avoid the hard work of walking up the stairs to the second floor. That can result in you/me getting the "cat piss" room. Unacceptable.)

If you do get hosed on an upgrade, request a new room in a polite, yet stern manner immediately. Mention that you've read about that specific, obvious problem about their hotel online, and if they ask you, get mad and say "TripAdvisor or some shit, I don't know." Mentioning web sites with travel reviews lets people know that you may also be posting a review of their hotel.

Their tendency will be to see if you'll back down at their first mention of, "Sorry, but we just don't have anything..." At that point, say, "I know that's not true. I just saw some people checking out earlier" or "I just heard this employee offer another guest their choice of rooms. How come I don't get a choice of rooms?"

This simple approach usually results in resolving the problem immediately. It lets them know that you're on your shit. Just be polite - there's no need for anger. But if offered a less-than-desirable result, don't agree. That's the mistake most make.

Afterward, thank them for their kindness and leave immediately. And don't order room service if you were the angry customer. You don't want to get what Kobe Bryant got in Sacramento in 2002 - a severe case of food poisoning from a shardburger.

Ass handing ceremony

2008-06-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

I officially got my ass handed to me tonight.

In journalism we call that first sentence of an article a "lede." It's supposed to convey the theme of the article, be precise, and carry a little punch. Don't ask me why they spell it like a retard playing Scrabble, they just do.

That one has a little punch, it's precise, and it carries the punch, the essence of my night. I'm pretty sure that my mangina is still bruised after that one.

You see, the night started out okay. All in all - it was a good day so far. Woke up feeling great ... in fact, the only bad part of my day was about 60 minutes.

I rolled to this small card club, wait about an hour to get seated, talk to some entertaining people (apparently in Fresno, when you're down to the final table in a tourney, they often just split the pot if the average payout would be less than $600. Why? Taxes. $600 and over, and you've gotta report it to the IRS.)

Anyways, I buy in for $200 with blinds 1/2, although they end up being 1/4 almost every single hand. Reading the table. Being quiet. Very, very happy I folded many a shitty hand for about 25 minutes.

Have pretty good reads on the rest of the table. But, this one, very fat, very young, very cocky assbag wearing a bright yellow Cal Bears jersey/hat has accused the dealer of cheating. He raises preflop every third hand to like 5x the Big Blind. Then, he's a dick to other players when he wins.

Typical asshat player. I've dealt with his kind before, right? Yes. And these are the people I take a sick pleasure in schooling.

I get dealt KK. I raise from early position to 7X the Big Blind. His Big Blind. He reraises, as he's been doing every third hand. But, the dealer says he's been shady about the way he raised. He slipped in extra chips, the dealer says. (Keep in mind, this is the same dealer that he's already accused of cheating.)

He desperately wants his extra chips in there, dealer calls the club manager (their equivalent of a pit boss), she enforces the dealer's call as he still argues with them.

At this point, I hate this guy. I fucking hate him. I've had enough.

Online, real life - whatever - I love taking out the bully in poker. Nothing feels better. I used to be the bully, but I found that I relished the opportunity of playing mild at first, and then targeting the person who either a) pisses me off or b) is an easy target. Sometims it's multiple targets. Sometimes it's one.

That being said - this time, my target is this guy. I've seen the hands he's been getting, and he's been reraising with hands like A8. I push. He asks me what I have. I tell him "23 suited, you know, because they're suited at least. It's a great fucking hand."

I think I've got the advantage. The cards roll 2637A. I flipped my kings over preflop. He waited until the end, then flips over his aces.

Realizing I fell for my old trick, I just got up and left as I hear "Why'd you do that to him? You didn't have to do that."

The next 20 minutes are filled with random cursing as I drive the 7 miles back to where I'm staying, but it's a new town, I don't know anybody, etc. I think of all the bomb places I've seen I could go, but one stands out, and it's nearby. An Indian bistro named Ambrosia.

Why an Indian place? Well, first of all - many Indian restauranteers are superpolite yet distant, smiling and happy. I need that. Plus, this place has the bomba food, and a fully stocked bar. Several Bombay Sapphire tonics and an hour of staring and attempting to flirt with the hot waitress later, it's time to go.

Shortly after, while driving around and scoping out the local club scene, the car in front of me is honking in vain at the motherfucka in front of him, who has decided to stop in the middle of the street and let the passengers out. Four guys are walking down the street, the alpha male of the crew apparently drunk as fuck, yells, "I'll beep you motherfucker! That's right! What?"

As hilarious as that was, it actually cleared up the traffic fuckup in seconds. I think he scared everyone away. Then he started heckling the driver of a shitty VW who must've been staring at him too long. To them, he yelled, "Yeah, fuck you too motherfucka! What? You want some? Pull the fuck over?" (They didn't pull over.) Moving on...

Yep, tonight I'm a loser. But I'm somehow happy. After all, I've got a check for the exact amount I lost coming from a casino, that I'll cash in a few days, and I'm not a fatassed asshole who everyone hates. Best of all, I know that I've learned a mistake that I won't make again for the next year.

Every time I need inspiration to play during the next 30 days, I'll think of this night. And you know what? I certainly won't be making the same mistake again during that time. That makes me a better player - at least for the immediate future.

Best of all - I've lost while being the good guy. It feels a little better than being the bad guy.

Now, as I stumbled my way to my hotel room, it smells like my next door neighbors for the night are the types who listen to Peter Tosh while playing the bongos. Time to go see what that's about.

No hablo Ingles

2008-06-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

On the road again … in the last 24 hours, I’ve driven more than 250 miles, won at least $150 in poker, eaten one $70 meal, consumed about 200 ounces of alcohol, written something besides this that at least a few thousand people will read and one might get real nervous about, and watched an otter overeat to the point that I was sure he was gonna shit himself. Seriously.
Now while all that is good, my Internet signal has slowed to almost zero, limiting my posting abilities for the evening. But as I was consuming my prosciutto-wrapped melon (that went well with the lager) and ogled the MILF at the next table over, my conversational waiter tried to converse with me in Spanish.
I mustered up a few words as I ordered my next beer, but was really not trying to speak Spanish at the end of a long day, much less any other language (including English). When he came back, he asked me if I had learned the majority of my Spanish in the border towns, while partying. I responded by telling a story about how a long-ago girlfriend’s dad taught me some basic Spanish, but I was really tempted to pluck a real gem from my memory of Spanish-speaking friends.
After all, I knew an illegal alien named Arturo in high school. (Don’t worry, that’s just the name on his fake identity..) I don’t know Arturo anymore, which is probably a good thing.
He had borrowed his brother’s car when we were all 14-16. Arturo claimed to be 16 anyway, but me, I think I was 14. Anyways, we were stoked. We just drove around the city to random destinations Arturo picked. Of course, we stopped by a stolen bike dealer’s apartment, where some 10-year-old kid wondered why the fuck Arturo was bringing strangers like myself and Bob over to his place, with no money to buy a bike. I think we smoked out or did some other dumb shit.

Anyways, on the drive back in this shitty 1980something Civic, one car ahead of us on the freeway sideswipes his neighbor, resulting in a Geo Metro crossing our paths (going perpendicular to the freeway traffic directly into the center divider). Arturo slammed on the brakes so hard that we all got the seatbelt stripe/bruises across our chests, and swerved right at 70 mph to avoid him. Other cars around us stopped, but Bob and I were in a state of shock, and when one of us asked if we should stop (as Bob pointed out that the Metro driver who hit the center divider appeared to be, well, not well), Arturo said fuck no, citing concerns about his immigrant status.

Later on, I heard something about that car being stolen. Arturo’s brother was in a gang, and sure enough - guess who managed to acquire it! Well, I can see why Arturo kept going. After all, do you think his gangbanger brother would vouch for him almost crashing a stolen car that Arturo had borrowed?

Then there’s the time Jackass, Fuckface, and myself went to Meeeexxxxiccccoooo. As the three of us sat in a dentist’s office, waiting to see the 400-lb., cigar-smoking “dentist” for some sage, wise advice - one of his “boys” accused our friend, Fuckface, of looking “like the guy who raped his friend” a few weeks back.

Well, that’s when I suddenly recalled all of the Spanish I had learned from folks like Arturo, and rapidly explained that Fuckface wasn’t from there, and was 1,000 miles away at the time of this rape. It took about 2 full minutes to calm the guy down, and his friends in the office’s waiting room were also uncomfortable by his sudden threats of violence towards us.

Looking back though - I think these bored henchmen saw a few gullible fucks sitting around, and decided to give them a story to take home about almost getting their asses beat by a henchman. Well, we saved Fuckface’s ass that night, and thankfully, he later got to perform an act of love onto a stripper’s hand later that night. But that’s a story for another time.

Then, well, there’s the time that a few Spanish-speakers partied with me, resulting in one violently barfing off of my balcony onto the downstairs neighbor’s petunias below, at around 1 a.m. He had a bloody nose, and flour residue abounded. Took quite a bit of Spanish to talk the other neighbor’s wife out of her rage (or at least to the point where she stopped throwing shit at us).

So, back to my waiter’s question tonight - I’m glad I didn’t answer with any of those stories. After all, what fun would that be?

He doesn’t want the real answers. He just needs his 20% tip, which I happily signed away. After all, blackened pesto swordfish chased down with a promptly-served Guinness, along with a prosciutto appetizer, some tiramisu, coffee/Baileys, and several other beers - is worth the 20%.

But maybe he’ll log onto this blog some day and see the truth. I’ve obviously got a few thousand more spicy stories involving Spanish-speakers, but I’ll leave those for another day.

Time to keep drinking, recalling these semi-fictional stories, and enjoy my hotel balcony with a beer… Maybe it's time to go down to the lobby and try to pick up the henpecked chubby Indian girl. Hey - her face is hot at least!

Balls Deep Thoughts

2008-06-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

Best fake name ever: Barry McKokinya

One sign your local team sucks: When the local homer radio announcer is complaining about bad hops on your home field, and recommending that the ground crew get right on that. Also - complaining about your closer in a 3-1 loss, and talking endlessly about how your team's best hitter always gets down on loose balls.

Anyone else think Shaq's getting the verbal bitch smack from Sheriff Joe Arpaio was hilarious? I hope Shaq buys him some front row tickets.

Ervin Santana pitches for the Angels against Washington tonight. I predict Angels win in a close one.

Mariners v. Mets. Mets win.

Statistically speaking, the stats heavily favor the Cubs on Wednesday.

Anyone else think it's too early to care about hockey?

The Great George Carlin died this week. He's the man who came up with the 7 words you can never say on TV, and made a career out of filth (pointing out that bombs are shaped like dicks). Here's some of my favorite quotes from him:

"And how about that Tipper Gore? Does he actually have to fuck that woman? I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick!"

"Here's something you never see - Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo."

"Hey mom! I've got a big date tonight. Can I borrow a french tickler from you?"

"Some people don't think rape can be funny. I'll prove to you that rape can be funny. Imagine Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig."

And lastly, his "Modern Man" bit:

I'm a modern man,

A man for the millennium,

Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,

Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded.

I've been inputted and outsourced.

I know the upside of downsizing.

I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high tech lowlife.

A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,

And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school,

And my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,

Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,

And my database is in cyberspace,

So I'm interactive,I'm hyperactive,

And from time-to-time,I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,Ahead of the curve,Riding the wave,Dodging a bullet,Pushing the envelope.

I'm on point, On task, On message, And off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed,I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment,On the edge,Over the top,But under the radar.

A high concept, Low profile, Medium range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top gun bottom feeder.I wear power ties,I tell power lies,I take power naps,I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

A raging workaholic.A working ragaholic.

Out of rehab,And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,A personal shopper,A personal assistant,And a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up,You can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless,And I'm wireless.I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.Laid back but fashion forward.Up front, Down home, Low rent, High maintenance.Super size,Long lasting,High definition,Fast acting,Oven ready,And built to last.

I'm a hands on, Foot loose, Knee jerk, Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling,I'm caring,I'm healing,I'm sharing.

A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down,But my income is up.

I take a short position on the long bond,

And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail,I eat junk food,I buy junk bonds,I watch trash sports.I'm gender specific,Capital intensive,User friendly,And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.

I like tough love.

I use the f word in my email,And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.I bought a mini van in a mega store.

I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free,Bite sized,Ready to wear,And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped,Factory authorized,Hospital tested,Clinically proven,Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed,Pre-cooked,Pre-heated,Pre-screened,Pre-approved,Pre-packaged,Post-dated,Freeze-dried,Double-wrapped,Vacuum-packed,And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude,But I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean.

Cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Rough tough and hard to bluff.I take it slow.I go with the flow.

I ride with the tide.I got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin',Sailin' and spinnin',Jivin' and groovin',Wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze,So I don't lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal,And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty,And lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hanging in,There ain't no doubt.

And I'm hanging tough,

Over and out.

Shaq Fu = Shaq Who?

2008-06-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

A lot of Lakers fans are mad at Shaq after his little freestyle. I'm not though, in fact, I think it's funny. It's kind of like when someone like Retief Goosen talks trash on Tiger Woods ... it's cute!

Here's a guy (Shaq) who's been recently divorced, is overweight with feet that tend to crumble, his career is almost over, he promised to take the Suns to the finals and/or win it all, and that's just for starters.

Then when you compare him to Kobe, it's no wonder he's jealous. Kobe's wife is a 10/10 (unlike Shaq, Kobe's indiscretions didn't cost him his marriage), Kobe's got a team that's improving (whereas the Suns are trying to trade players like Diaw for draft picks), Kobe's team outperformed Shaq's team and made it to the Finals, Kobe's got more endorsements, Kobe doesn't get booed on his home floor, Kobe's the MVP... the list goes on and on and on.

(According to Shaq: Kobe can't do it without Shaq. Really? Then how did he come within two wins of doing it with Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom, and a bunch of rooks?)

It's no wonder Shaq's jealous. And anyone who watched the Heat win the Finals a few years back knows that they don't do that without Alonzo Mourning playing as well as they did. Fuck, the Heat couldn't ship his ass outta there fast enough. Shawn Mariwho? Fuck it - we'll take him (actually, Marion has easily outrebounded Shaq the last five seasons).

But back to the current situation - the Suns are going one direction, the Lakers are going another.

Proof: Shaq got OWNED by the LAKERS, SPURS, and the CELTICS.

Proof: Suns fans booed Shaq on his home court.

Proof: The Suns are looking to trade guys like Boris Diaw in exchange for draft picks. (Rebuilding, anyone?)

Have fun in Phoenix, Shaq!

And if you're offended by the tone of this post -- lighten up, bitch! I'm only joking around, just like the Big Aristotle was only joking around, right? It's what us MCs do, biatch!

One parting shot: If the Big Aristotle honestly believes that Kobe can't get any more rings without him, I'll take that bet for as high as $5,000. Anyone willing to bet that Kobe will not get another ring? Cuz I'm betting he will, motherfuckers.

Hey, why'd it get so quiet just now? Are those crickets that I hear?

Jacked up June

2008-06-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

Seriously - I hit another $1 to win $155, 9-team parlay yesterday. That marks the fourth or fifth time I've called a perfect day in baseball this season, and it's only June.

I won't lie - after my $200 bet on the Lakers, and my recent cashout, my account balance was hurting. Yesterday, I made around $210 in about an hour's worth of time. Now that's Hot!

Here's two tips:
Strongly consider a home team's record at home.
In interleague play, lean towards picking an AL team.
Ask yourself who's injured (Ex: Will Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz play today?)

Wrote a letter of recommendation for a friend the other day, but I failed to mention that I'm a total fucking degenerate. I don't think that's necessary.

One of the best ways to network is to meet alums or clubs for your favorite teams, go to a function twice a year, and then hook up the ones you like with the occasional tickets or free shit. You'd be surprised at the results.

But back to baseball - I don't know how, but Jason Giambi just got a stolen base. Not sure how that happened, but hell could freeze over at any moment.

Will the Mariners trade half their team away? That's still the biggest untold story in baseball right now. They've got a team full of underachieving talent. What remains to be seen is if the league's best coaches could shape those dudes up (let's face it, Seattle isn't known for having great coaching).

Anyways, gotta roll. My two-table poker approach is about to start. Good luck, ladies!

thank god i am functionally illliterate, otherwise i'd start a fuckin riot

2008-06-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

MUDDDDDDDDDDAAAAFUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......................
wOw.

I AM FADEEEEEEED.

picked up a new blackberry pearl today. dopephone. haven't figured out how to gamble from it, but my stupid ass will soon.

man, so some muddafucka who i wrote was axein' why i not beez writin' 'bout dem muddafuckin marinaz, from seattlez and shiznitz...

here's a good reasons why = who da fuck fookin' cares?

seriously ... the mariners started out the first 25 games playing to potential, and then they folded like greg raymer against a fish like jamie gold...

now, the only thing that matters regarding the mariners is who will they trade their talent to?

i can tell you one thing - that pitcher R.A. Dickey is probably the best pitcher on their staff - better than Bedard, better than Silva, better than Cabrera...

as a Dodger, I hope they trade back Adrian Beltre, and Beltre proceeds to hit 65 home runs.

alas, that will not happen. they will probably trade richie sexson though, and some other team will be content to see him hit between .245 and .265 with a decent amount of HRs per at bat.

let's face it: Richie Sexson = one of the biggest busts ever in baseball

seriously, this guy chokes more than bill buckner on "mets' projectile stuck in the throat day"

Ozzie is Da Shit

2008-06-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

Here's why Ozzie Guillen has the best fuckin' lineup card in the MLB.

Here's why The Onion wrote that story. Best quote?

"We good. Fuck everybody."

Now for some old-school Ozzie. With Ruben Amaro!

Hint: When trying to be the next Vin Scully or Bob Costas --- try to avoid saying, "uuuuuhhhhhh" a lot.

Ok, back to Ozzie. Here's a badass drag bunt down that he turns into a two-bagger.

Here's Oz hating on Jay Marriotti. Classic quote "Nobody like dat mang here."

"He don't have enough guts to show up. Why he so afraid to show up at the ballpark? When you are afraid to go do something, you feel guilty about something. Tell him we gonna pay a cab. I'm taking a limo to where he live, taking him to the ballpark, where he gonna have a conversation with us."

Ozzie recommending Cal Ripken Jr. to be the commissioner. That'd certainly be a lot cooler than Bud Selig.

Moving on:

LA radio hosts were talking about whether the Lakers should sign Ron Artest. #93 on the Lakeshow? If you are gonna make a move, he's cheaper than Boris Diaw.
The Suns are looking to trade Diaw to get a higher draft pick.
Bodoglife.com has a new Beta version of its poker software. Can't get it to work on my laptop, I'll post more when it starts working.
While watching baseball today, I realized that 99% of those players have spent significant time in the minors. Compare that to the NBA. How many times do you think any NBA player has played in front of a drunken crowd in Tucson for an entire summer?
Anyone else notice the Yankees have won 7 in a row? Jeeeeeeeeesus. They started their June winning streak late this year, but shit, they do win every June and July. Have your betting $$$ ready. It's Yankees time.
Salomon Torres is the new closer for the Brew Crew. And he's doing well.
The Dodgers have won three in a row! Are their young pitchers better than their highly-paid vets?
Interleague play ends in about a week. One of the few AL teams not doing well is the Indians. Besides that, most AL teams are killing it. Killing it.

lostfone

2008-06-19T01:58:00.000-07:00

Right now, there's a half-drunk gopher calling up his buddies to whup on Bill Murray, errr Carl Spackler's ass.

"I want you to kill every gopher on the course!

Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.

Gophers! Ya opdsudfioshh! The leetle brown furry rodents!

We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason."

Yep - I left the old phone somewhere on the golf course. Time to get a new one.

But for the next few days, I promise to be unaccountable as fuck. Ahhhh yesss. Finally, I can just sit back and shit myself for a few days in a row.

In a way, fuck cell phones. After all, all they are is an e-Leash, right? I mean, do I really need to be making 15 calls a day? Knowing my bipolar attitude and high caffeine intake, probably not.

Now where are those tremendous mood-stabilizing tranquilizers again? I sure hope they're near the bottle of rum. If not, there might be some rather sluggish rabbits getting picked off by surprised coyotes out there tonight.

Sho 'nuff. Sho', muthafuckin nuff.

Owned

2008-06-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

The game of the night on Tuesday was a dominating performance, and an early lead. The Los Angeles Angels brought strong pitching and clutch at bats to the ball park, and beat up on Johann Santana (formerly the best pitcher in baseball).
Oh yea, and some minor-league team showed up to play the Celtics at the Price-Cooper-TDs-Splatterhouse in Beantown. Pau Gasol got owned tonight. Kevin Garnett abused him, and then made quick work of Lamar Odom.
The Celtics played great, and the Lakers didn't show up. Don't think Vlad Radmanovic will be back next year - you could sense Phil Jackson's blood pressure rising tenfold each time Vlad tossed up a shot with 18 seconds left on the shot clock.
So, basketball season is officially over, and we move on to baseball. Oh, and something called the NFL starts in 90 days. Actually, it's more like 79 days to be exact. (Redskins v. Giants on Sept. 4)

Curious about who to bet on in the meantime? Well, the Angels are red hot, and the NL is getting owned right about now (EX: Houston has lost six straight). I look at the scoreboard right now, and out of today's crowded schedule, only two NL teams have won or are leading in only 2 out of 14 games. Wow. That is ridiculous. An all-out slaughter.

Here's a cross section of some badass teams (sort by runs scored, then look at which teams have the lowest ERAs:

The Rangers are by far the best hitting team at the moment. Runs, doubles, hits, RBIs, you name it - it's a high number. Even ERA (5.10).

Craphelmets

2008-06-16T22:02:00.001-07:00

Whooooooeee!

That gin 'n tonic tastes exceptional. It's all about the Bombay Sapphire tonight, as I'm coming off a hiatus from drinking. Yep, it's been at least 20 .... hours.

But I am feeling good. Worked on some putts today, played pretty well. But I played with a badass on Saturday, who shot 4 over on the front 9. I'd tell you what he shot on the back nine, but I was too busy removing my head from up my own ass.

Speaking of waking up with your head up yo ass, what the fuck happened to Javon Walker? Spraying the crowd with 15 bottles of Don P? Waking up with a fracture and a headache from hell? That muddafucka got straight-up jacked. I wonder what the fuck they stole? I thought the Raiders were supposed to be the tough guys who intimidated the fans. Not this time.

Funny, you can throw a new look on Vegas, but when the NFL comes to town, shit gets ugly.

On a purtier NFL note, check out what Texans' offensive lineman Eric Winston was doing - hitting the fuckin' baseball farther than Lance Berkman - the best hitter in the majors (behind Chipper).

The AFC South quietly had an exceptional year last season, and the Texans were the worst team in it at 8-8. With all the additions they've made, healthy players coming back, and solid coaching structure - this team could easily cover many a spread next season. Their liability last year was that they couldn't rush the passer and their DBs weren't that good. They signed Roosevelt Colvin to rush the QB with Mario Williams, and Jacque Reeves and Seattle's Jimmy Williams to play CB. None of these guys are All Pros, but they're all good enough to solidify what was a shaky defense. They also signed two pretty solid linebackers that they didn't even need.

And their offense will be even better this season, with an improved offensive line, former Titan Chris Brown at RB, prospect Chris Taylor (RB) looking to play his first healthy season, look for Matt Schaub to stretch the field with his speedy receivers. This team already had an exciting offense last season, and it just got better. Also helping them appears to be a very, very weak schedule outside of their own division play.

I look at that schedule, and I see: Miami, Detroit, Oakland, Cincinnati, Green Bay, Baltimore, Chicago, and Minnesota. There has to be at least five wins in that list of games, if the Texans are healthy.

The question for this team is - how good will their opponents be? If they were playing in a weaker division last season, they arguably make the playoffs. But if the Titans, Jaguars, and Colts all come back strong, this could be another disappointing season for the Texans. I'm thinking they'll improve upon last season by two wins.

Code Blue

2008-06-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry about no blog post after last night's game, I had a Code Blue on a 12-pack, and I had to get to the bottom of it. After all, when the mountains on the Coors Light bottles turn blue, that means it's time to drink all of them ASAP, right?

So, I obviously was elated with the Lakers' victory, and I vaguely remember standing up when Kobe knocked that ball out of Pierce's hands to Lamar, who threw it back for Kobe's big dunk.

Derek Fisher had a big game too, despite his free throw shooting being a little off. When that dude makes free throws, they're with surgical precision.

Jordan Farmar came up clutch too, with those badass runners and layups. He dumped in 11. Here's the rest of the game stats. Still, the Lakers will need to play better than that if they're on the road and are going to win.

One difference I did notice was that they pretty much benched Sasha late, and it paid off. Not a bad idea considering you've got Lamar Odom playing well.

Later on, I would continue on my Code Blue endeavor, which helped me set another landmark statistic: I consumed at least 304 ounces of beer this weekend, peppered with the occasional Red Bull + Gin. I was so drunk last night when I was watching Ocean's 13, I was wondering why they were speaking Japanese, and when I was watching Clerks, I kept thinking that "this version of the Blair Witch sucks."

Think I'm ready for a few days away from the sauce.

Big game tonight

2008-06-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

Lakers are -7 tonight, or -310 straight up. Over/under is 191.
I think the Lakers are gonna win this game, but if they do, Game 6 might be the best game of the NBA season no matter who you're rooting for. I predict the Celtics might look a little tired tonight.
What's up with Doc Rivers being a genius all of a sudden? He was getting praised as making perfect substitutions by Boston journalist Jackie MacMullen, but only minutes before she said that, she acknowledged that his subbing in of defensive-liability Eddie House wasn't working for them, as he also missed a bunch of open threes early on.
He could be the player whom Game 5 hinges around. That, and of course, KG hitting jumpers.

Moving onto baseball, I'm due for a good day. I can tell you one thing: CC Sabathia better beat the shit outta the fuckin' SD Padres today. Cleveland has no excuses against Greg Maddux in the Mistake by the Lake.
After hearing all of the hype today on Baseball Tonight, I'm leaning toward the Phillies against the Cardinals today, and the Red Sox against the Reds today. Note that the infamous Brett Myers (loved/hated by Jim Rome's army of clones). Also note the St. Louis Cardinals are missing Albert Pujols for a few weeks.

In other news, one of the best home teams in baseball, the Tampa Bay Rays, got their closer back, and he started off with a save: Troy Percival. Today, Tampa Bay starts former Dodger Edwin Jackson. The Dodgers gave up on him three years ago, but this season, he's come into his own. Last time I watched him pitch, he was easily hitting 97 mph with well-placed batbreakers on the road, against the Angels.

For the record, the other great home team is the Red Sox.

Okay, time to start playing poker. Try not to slip on any shit today.

I take colorful dumps

2008-06-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

Hiyoooooo biatches! OMGIJCMPWTF?
(In case you don't speak moron, that means, Oh My God, I Just Crapped My Pants, What The Fuck?)
I was throwin' spikes at a Ye Olde British Pub someplace where I don't normally hang out last night, and it reminded me of what's best about British Pubs in yuppie areas. Hot, skanky, angry chicks. Damn fine beer, with a damn fine bartendah to serve it to you (one friend says he likes to order from the big taps because "it looks so big in her tiny little hands").

Also, LCDs with soccer and rugby on. And as always, get creative with your cursing. For example, break out the old favorites! You know, the classics!

Like, "Do I look like I have cunt written on my forehead?" (from a great movie called Crank)

or simply incorporate the practice of inserting the word fuck into the middle of verbs and nouns, like hortifuckinculturalist, semifuckingfinals, environfuckingmental, oxyfuckingcontin, and journalfuckingist.

Anyways, that's all I got. My baseball picks for today are:

Toronto

Detroit

Tampa Bay

White Sox

Indians

Angels

Mariners

CHOKERS

2008-06-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

I dish it out, so I might as well dish it out on my own team after tonight...
Man, the Lakers sure choked tonight. Choke, and choke, and choke they did.
The Celtics played pretty well, but the Lakers handed that one to them on a silver platter at the end. Let's face it, the Celts don't win that one if the Lakers don't help 'em out.
So, now the Lakers are down 3-1, a deficit that no team has overcome in the NBA Finals. Looks like my $200 through the sportsbook and an additional $50 elsewhere are down the tube. Oh well, fuck it. Speaking of LA teams choking, the Dodgers sure suck these days. Missing 3/8 starters, and losing to the Padres. Guess what? They're in an airport right now or on a plane right now, en route to Detroit. They face a good pitcher and one of the best - healthiest - lineups in baseball tomorrow.

Add a sinkerballer into the mix, and it could get ugly. I wouldn't bet on them with stolen money. Unless, it was stolen from Donald Trump. Then, I'd look at the money, tell it "You're fired!", and then place it all on the Arizona Cardinals to go 13-3 and win the NFC championship, but then lose the Super Bowl on a triple reverse choke to the left, with the 7 lateral shatterblaster on the crap and goal with 7 seconds left.

Check this link out:

http://thugbot.net/features/lebowski/

Some words that the homersexuals are trying to sneak into the English language:

- "Manny/Peddy": term for manicure/pedicure

- "Staycation": Where you stay in your home town instead of taking a vacation. Usually this is used in the context of 2008, as speaking of chokers - we were dumb enough to let one party (hint REPUBLICANS) have the White House and Congress for 6 years, and they drive the country into the fucking ground.

Now here's a great new word that needs to replace metrosexual. In fact, I think I probably am one:

HOBOSEXUAL

When one is sexually attracted to homeless men and/or women. A word made up entirely by a sixteen year old girl named Molly, who is, herself, a hobosexual.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hobosexual

Crying chokers

2008-06-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

So in the wake of Tim Donaghy's comments, I hear that Kings fans were crying like little bitches again about how the officials allegedly gave some players preferential treatment during that series in 2002.

Laker haters, being the fat satchels of crap that they are, of course automatically assumed that the calls went in favor of the Lakers.

If anything, the officials gave Vlade "Flops" Divac preferential treatment for flopping more than Dolly Parton running the hurdles during that series. Check out these Game 7 stats from the Western Conference Finals in 2002, and you'll see the real reason why Sacramento lost 112-106 - they couldn't hit free throws in their own house.

They were 16-30 to be exact. And Shaq, who "can't hit free throws" sure hit them that night, going 11-15.

Another reason why they may have lost is that they only shot 2-20 from beyond the arc, whereas the Lakers shot 41% from three.

So if they shoot 20% from three instead of 10%, Sacramento ties the game. Or if they shoot 22-30, you know, like a high school team can, then they tie the game.

Butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.... they didn't. Nice choke ladies. If you're lucky, you might make the playoffs next season.

By the way, what happened to all those Sacramento Kings fans living in Arizona? Where did they go? I haven't seen one in years. Are they endangered now? Or did they just mutate into Suns fans?

Cluster of fucks

2008-06-11T00:32:00.000-07:00

asspanda

Tonight the Lakers won in a semi-convincing fashion, then I went home and got sucked out on in four consecutive tourneys. That had me saying Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck like they do in this link. Fuck?
On the other hand, this commercial will have you more confused than I was after getting sucked out.
Speaking of confused, how about this video of these retarded Texans smoking salvia? Especially in a room with a kid? No wonder Texans are so fucking retarded (of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, like Doyle Brunson - but let's face it, these geniuses aren't Doyle Fucking Brunson). My favorite part? "I don know what I was lookin' at..."
But going back to the word "fuck". This video is right, whether you're saying "fuck the fucking fuckers" or "I got fucked at the used car lot" or "Awww, fuck it!" - fuck is the most versatile word in the English language.
Most of this video is fucking funny - but some parts are lame. Puff a blunt and watch it.

And who doesn't like watching stick figures fighting? Okay, fuck dat, but I'll be dat, I'll be dat, I'll be dat. I guess my middle name must be "Heain'tshit".

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you -you're cool - fuck you I'm out.